Late Laughs for the week of April 21 - 27, 2019

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The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, J.K. Rowling revealed that Dumbledore had an "intense sexual relationship" with Grindelwald. You can read all about it in her next book, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Too Much Information."


Later this year, the creators of "Game of Thrones" are going to start shooting some new Star Wars films. It's very exciting for fans who love the Star Wars movies but always thought they could use more incest.


I saw that for Easter, some Ikea stores are having an all-you-can-eat buffet. Yeah, 'cause spending the holidays with family wasn't stressful enough -- let's throw a trip to Ikea into the mix.


I saw that health experts are saying that the snooze button is bad for your health, and they're telling Apple to take the feature off their phones. In response, Apple was like, "OK, we'll take it off, just gimme like nine more minutes."


We could have a 76-year-old, a 77-year-old and an 88-year-old running for president! I can't wait for the debates. Who wouldn't be pumped about the possibility of listening to a three-hour symphony of dry coughs?


March Madness is here! And I'm not even talking about the 35 crazy tweets Trump sent this weekend.


Everybody's talking about March Madness. It's that exciting time when Americans watch kids play college basketball while gambling away their kids' college tuition.


Trump and Kellyanne's husband are in a huge Twitter feud, but Kellyanne says she's not being asked to choose between her marriage and her job. Then Trump was like, "Do what I do -- choose neither."


You guys, it's the first weekend of spring! And what better way to celebrate spring than spending the next two days on the couch watching March Madness.


That's right, the NCAA Tournament is here. FINALLY! A chance for college kids to drink and watch sports.


There's a lot happening in politics right now -- everybody's talking about 2020. And even though he's not technically in the race yet, a new poll says that Biden is in first place. Then it said Bernie Sanders is second, Kamala Harris is third, and Beto O'Rourke is fourth. Followed by a 92-way tie for fifth place.


Yesterday was Selection Sunday, where we got to see the NCAA Tournament's official bracket. Sixty-eight teams go head to head until there's only one left standing. It's the same system Democrats are gonna use to pick their nominee.


There's another candidate who's starting to get some attention named Andrew Yang. Apparently wants to give every American $1,000 a month by taxing companies like Google. If you want to read more about Andrew Yang, you should search for him on Yahoo, 'cause his name was just completely erased from Google.


It just came out that the president wants to slash funding for PBS. And PBS characters aren't happy. Today, the Count was like, "I have one … one finger I'd like to show President Trump!"


The first trailer for "Toy Story 4" came out today! Which is why everyone at work was like, "No, I'm not crying -- I was just chopping onions … at my desk ... ."


Unlike past presidents, Donald Trump didn't fill out his own March Madness bracket. Trump said he wants to focus on more important things, like live-tweeting reruns of "Saturday Night Live."


The Late Late Show With James Corden

A judge in Hawaii has handed down quite an unusual sentence. After a man said he stole a car to go and buy soda, the judge gave him probation as well as a four-year ban on drinking Pepsi. So let that be a lesson to us all: after you get caught stealing a car, tell the judge you were on your way to eat some kale.


After getting pulled over by the police, a man in South Carolina attempted to cover the smell of alcohol on his breath by spraying his mouth with -- get this -- Axe body spray. And you thought the worst thing you could do with Axe body spray was put it on your body.


Earlier today, prosecutors in Chicago dropped all 16 felony charges against the actor Jussie Smollett for filing a false police report about being attacked. Smollett isn’t being charged with a crime, but he hasn’t been officially exonerated. So if nothing else, he is now qualified to be the president of the United States.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Breakdancing could very well soon become an Olympic sport. The president of the IOC said adding breakdancing could help us connect with "the younger generation." Yes -- the fresh new trend of breakdancing is really heating up!


Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

Singer Alanis Morissette announced on Instagram Monday that she is pregnant. I guess she forgot to take her jagged little pill.


McDonald's has announced plans for new digital menus at their drive-thrus that will offer customers suggestions based on what they ordered. For instance, if you order a salad, it will suggest you stop kidding yourself.


A woman in Utah survived after her SUV got stuck in the snow and mud for a week. The woman says she couldn't have made it without her children. Her delicious, delicious children.


A man in Europe went to the hospital for a routine procedure and was mistakenly given a circumcision instead. And he's lucky 'cause Europeans usually don't leave a tip.


Police in Florida say that the owner of a pet zebra shot and killed the animal after it escaped from its enclosure. Finally answering the question, "What's black and white and red all over?"


This week, Apple introduced a new credit card and also a new streaming service. And also, what is Apple trying to do? They already listen to everything we say, and now they want to control our money and everything we watch? Who's the CEO of Apple? Ike Turner?


This week marks the 10th anniversary of the same-sex dating app Grindr. Which has all but replaced the old way of finding discreet gay hookups: church camp.