The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Day 3 of "Health Care Plan 2: Repeal and Revenge -- This Time It's Republican." It took the GOP forever to release this thing. They're the George R.R. Martins of health care. And just like in "Game of Thrones," a lot of your favorite characters are going to die without warning.

 

Trump's No. 1 concern right now is securing our borders, and we finally know how he's going to pay for it, because, according to the Office of Management and Budget, Trump plans "deep cuts in airport and rail security." That is shocking. There's such a thing as rail security? If so, they should investigate Amtrak bathrooms. Those things look like a crime scene.

 

When it comes to cutbacks, "the Coast Guard would bear the brunt, seeing its budget cut by $1.3 billion." The Coast Guard? Who does Trump think protects the waters around Mar-a-Lago: laser-sighted manatees?

 

Trump's paying for his immigration program by cutting funds to the Coast Guard, airport and rail security. Great. So we're fine as long as nobody tries to get into America by sea, air or land.

 

Conan

In honor of International Women's Day, Snapchat added famous women to their selfie lenses. Snapchat called it: "The perfect way to honor the enduring contributions of women for 10 seconds."

 

At the White House yesterday, President Trump popped out from behind a screen and surprised a group of children. It was officially the least frightening thing Trump has done since he took office.

 

A new study that just came out reveals Americans are getting fatter and giving up on their diets. The study was conducted by going to a water park for five minutes.

 

In Mississippi, a child disrupted a news station's live weather report, and the kid forecasted "farts everywhere." So congratulations to Trump's new head of the National Weather Service.

 

Hawaii is suing President Trump over his latest travel ban. In response, President Trump is suing Hawaii for "being hard to spell."

 

Disney has announced that its upcoming live-action Aladdin movie is going to feature Middle Eastern actors. Filming will begin in May, or whenever the actors are no longer detained at the airport.

 

New research says that Neanderthals used to relieve pain by chewing on a plant containing the main ingredient in aspirin. Or, as that's now being called, "The Republican health-care plan."

 

For the second time, RadioShack has filed for bankruptcy. Experts say if RadioShack goes bankrupt one more time, it can officially run for president.

 

Many years after dropping out of Harvard, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is going back to get an honorary degree. Zuckerberg said he would have gone back sooner, but even he can't afford college these days.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Jimmy Buffett has announced that he's opening a Margaritaville retirement community in Florida. You don't really need to say it's in Florida, though. That was a given. Have you ever been to a Jimmy Buffett concert? It's already a retirement community.

 

Jason Chaffetz says poor people need to choose between health care or a new iPhone. And just like a Samsung Galaxy 7, that comment blew up in his face.

 

WikiLeaks has published thousands of CIA documents detailing the agency's secret hacking capabilities. The CIA is furious. They say, armed with this information, anyone could hack the U.S. Now, I'm not too worried about this. I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen? Russians hack the election and make a reality TV star the president? I mean, come on.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It was another wild weekend for President Trump, who tweeted up a world of trouble from high atop his toilet Saturday morning at Mar-a-Lago. You know, a lot of people have been saying they need to take his phone away. I think maybe at this point they should consider taking his thumbs away.

 

As our standing in the world drops, former president Obama couldn't care less! President Obama right now is living life like a third grade teacher on the first day of summer break.

 

The new [proposed health-care] plan stresses personal responsibility. Which is good. For far too long, Americans have relied on other people, like doctors and nurses, for their health care.

 

According to the new plan, larger employers would no longer be required to provide full-time employees with health insurance. So, if you hate working for a big corporation, don't worry: you'll be dead soon.

 

Before we begin, I'd like to take a moment to recognize International Women's Day, which was marked today with a march on Washington and a national protest that was titled "A Day Without Women." The idea was to show the world what it would be like without women. And, I'll tell you something -- I went years without a woman, and it was no fun at all.

 

Yesterday, the New York Times revealed that Trump had a meeting in the Oval Office last week with Harvey Levin from "TMZ." ... So just to recap: CNN is fake news. TMZ? Come right in!

 

President Trump right now is working to try to drum up more Republican support for the Obamacare replacement they've been working on. So tonight he invited a hundred of them to come bowling at the White House. For real, it was pizza and bowling night, part of what they're calling the president's "charm offensive." He can be very charming -- and very offensive.

 

Paul Ryan said the reason Obamacare doesn't work is because it makes healthy people pay for the care of sick people. I'm pretty sure that's how ALL insurance works. Can you imagine trying to buy car insurance, saying: "Hey, my car is fine. I'm not paying for those people who get in accidents!" It's like saying the lottery doesn't work because only one person wins the jackpot.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

This week, Republicans made their best effort to unite the country by presenting a new health-care plan that everybody could hate together.

 

It was estimated that the Republicans' health-care plan gives a $400-billion tax break to the rich, while the poor will receive a box of generic Band-Aids and a travel size bottle of AirBorne.

 

Democrats are upset because a lot of poor people could lose coverage. Conservatives are upset because it doesn't repeal Obamacare enough. And I'm upset because it still doesn't cover medicinal cocaine, and I've got a screenplay to finish.

 

The White House is officially calling the bill the "American Health Care Act." And not as many in the media have been calling it "Trumpcare," or as they probably should be calling it, "Don't Care."

 

It was reported that Jennifer Lopez is now dating Alex Rodriguez. J-Lo and A-Rod go by the cool celebrity couple name of, you guessed it, Alennifex Lodripez.

 

The co-founder of the Waffle House passed away this week at 97. He died the way so many Waffle House patrons have: A knife fight in the parking lot.