Late Laughs for the week of April 16 - 22, 2017

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The Late Late Show With James Corden

Plans for the border wall continue, and on Sunday, "Fox News" reported several requirements that the White House issued for the wall. They said it must be 30 feet high, good-looking from the U.S. side and difficult to break through. Basically, the wall should be tall, but not fat or ugly. It's pretty much like Trump updated the Miss Universe regulations and just made them about the wall.


Ivanka Trump is getting an office in the West Wing, despite previously stating she would not take a formal role in her father's administration. The administration has said Ivanka is going to act as her father's "eyes and ears," which basically means she's going to be walking around the White House saying, "I'm telling Dad!"


Disney World has agreed to pay $3.8 million to workers who were making less than minimum wage and had to pay for their own costumes. That works out to around $238 per person, which is almost enough to buy a bottle of water at Disney World.


One of Trump's appointees, Rex Tillerson, made a surprising statement when he told reporters that he didn't want to be secretary of state, but accepted the job because his wife told him it was something he was supposed to do. Yeah. That's the attitude you want representing the country, isn't it? "Hello, Mr. Prime Minister, I'm Rex Tillerson. I'm only here because my wife made me come."


In international news, police in Italy have arrested 10 people for stealing more than $250,000 in fine wine and gourmet cheese. Yes, their motive is they were hosting a book club.


There is a new set of emojis. They're going to be released to smartphones in June. This new set will include a hedgehog, a puking face, a brain and a merman. I'm not going to lie, the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time.



Not looking too good right now for the Republican healthcare plan. At this point, it appears the Republican healthcare plan is going to die on the floor of the House. Coincidentally, dying on the floor of the house happens to be the Republican healthcare plan.


Today, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch was grilled about his stance on torture. And after just five minutes of questioning, Gorsuch broke down and told them everything.


According to a new poll, Muslims are the religious group most satisfied with life in America. When asked why, Muslims said: "That travel ban totally kept our in-laws from visiting."


The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

It turns out Paul Manafort was paid $10 million to advocate for Putin. Trump was furious! He said: "That's more than he pays ME!"


White House press secretary Sean Spicer said that there's currently no "Plan B" for replacing Obamacare. Then, women said, "Yeah, we know EXACTLY where you guys stand on Plan B."


Nancy Pelosi called the Republican healthcare bill a "moral monstrosity." Then Trump said: "OK, put her down as a maybe!"


I read that just 13 percent of women supported the Republican healthcare replacement bill. When he heard that, Paul Ryan was like: "Women! I KNEW we forgot to include something in there!"


[Trump] said that if this healthcare bill didn't pass, he'd just leave Obamacare in place. Kind of a weird threat -- it's like saying, "If you kids don't stop fighting back there, I'm driving this car STRAIGHT to Disney World!"


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Last week, President Trump released his first budget. They're calling it a hard-power budget because it features a $54-billion increase in military spending, and to pay for the new spending, Trump is cutting everything else, like the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which funds PBS. Look, Trump's a real estate developer. It was only a matter of time until he put up condos on Sesame Street.


Trump is also eliminating the National Endowment for the Arts and the National Endowment for the Humanities. I am not surprised because he's jealous of anyone who is well-endowed.


Trump is slashing the EPA's budget by 31 percent, and the Great Lakes Restoration Initiative, which fights invasive species like the sea lamprey, could see its funding slashed by 97 percent. If you're not familiar with the sea lamprey, you might know it as the vicious, flesh-eating hell beast from your worst nightmares. Or as Steve Bannon calls it, "my mentor."


Jimmy Kimmel Live

FBI director James Comey this morning did not do the president any favors, officially confirming that they are investigating potential ties between the Russian government and the "Trump for President" campaign. Well, I know Trump doesn't watch CNN, but if he finds out about this, James Comey is so fired.


I turned on "Fox News" this afternoon, and after three minutes of watching, I saw a commercial for a walk-in bathtub and lemon-pepper tuna in a pouch. This is where the president is getting his information.


The first daughter, Ivanka Trump, is reportedly getting an office at the White House and top-level security clearance. For real. Ivanka will take a position in the White House, where she will draw upon the 20 years of foreign and domestic policy experience she gained selling sandals to Nordstrom. Meanwhile, poor Tiffany Trump -- his other daughter -- can't even get the White House Wi-Fi password.


The president's pal, Vlad Putin, is up for re-election next year. He is the favorite to win the Russian election, especially with all the momentum he got from winning the American election.


After working late into the night last night to get a new healthcare plan approved, Republicans in the House were forced to postpone their vote because they cannot agree on what the plan should be. So it's back to the drawing board. Unfortunately, Trump's budget for education cut the funding for the drawing boards.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

A Canadian woman last week proposed to her boyfriend at a hockey game with a bouquet of Doritos made to look like roses. It even spawned a new flavor: Nacho Boyfriend Anymore.


According to a new report, the average health insurance deductible is projected to be over $1,500 higher under the Republican plan to replace Obamacare. And the only way that's good news is if hearing it gave you a heart attack now, while it's cheaper.


The White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, said yesterday that President Trump is looking to "reaffirm" America's commitment to NATO. Spicer said Trump will do everything in his power to find out what NATO stands for.


An Obama administration Homeland Security official said yesterday that he believes President Trump "has the potential to be a great president." You know, kinda like how an airplane seat has the potential to be a flotation device.


A new study has found three new substances in addition to catnip that will get cats high. And they are: marijuana, crack and heroin.


Vice-President Mike Pence today met with Honduran president Juan Orlando. Coincidentally, "Juan Orlando" is also the alias Joe Biden uses when he's on spring break in Cancun.


Dunkin' Donuts has announced that it is getting rid of its frozen coffee Coolatta drink, and will be replacing it with a new beverage. So get ready for Donuts in a Cup!