Jimmy Kimmel Live: Jimmy Kimmel

They say the first breakfast taco appeared in Austin in the early '80s. No one knows for sure who invented it, all we know is that they were definitely stoned when they did. The recipe is: you take a flour tortilla, and then turn your fridge on its side and dump everything in.

 

SXSW, if you do not know, is the reason we're here in Austin this week. It is a music, film and interactive festival. Every single person who is going to buy an Apple Watch is in town visiting right now. If the aliens landed this week, they'd think South by Southwest is where people with lanyards come to reproduce.

 

I have been here in Texas since Friday night. I've been away from L.A. for five days. I've already forgotten what kale tastes like. I eat my vegetables fried now, as God intended.

 

I have now eaten everything your city has to offer. My body is dangerously close to no longer being considered a temple.

 

I don't want to leave, either. But I have to leave because if I stay here any longer, my body will turn into brisket, and I will have no choice but to eat myself.

 

Conan: Conan O'Brien

Yesterday was the L.A. Marathon. It's the only time of year you see someone running the streets of Los Angeles when it's not the end of a car chase.

 

Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time after a mysterious 10-day absence. Putin said: "It took me that long to recover from the finale of 'The Bachelor.'"

 

Saturday was 3/14 -- or as otherwise known, International Pi Day -- where the world celebrates the mathematical concept of pi. Americans said: "You lost me at 'math,' but you got me back at 'pie.'"

 

Today is St. Patrick's Day. So to all my Irish-American viewers, I want to offer the traditional St. Patrick's Day greeting: "Please hand over your car keys right now."

 

The prime minister of Ireland will be celebrating St. Patrick's Day at the White House. So finally, the Secret Service agents will have a drinking buddy.

 

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz said if elected president, he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry! He promised to replace it with the less expensive "Bureau of Book Learnin'."

 

In addition to Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton, it's now rumored that Al Gore is gearing up for a presidential run. When asked why, Gore said: "Because I also have a last name from the ‘90s."

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Jimmy Fallon

This weekend, President Obama attended the annual Gridiron Club and Foundation dinner, and during his speech he joked that he is getting older and crankier. Which explains why he announced he no longer supports President Obama.

 

I saw that Disney's live-action movie "Cinderella," which also featured a short "Frozen" cartoon, came in No. 1 at the box office this weekend, with an estimated $70 million. That story again, a short "Frozen" cartoon made $70 million this weekend. And "Cinderella" was involved towards the end there, too.

 

Hillary Clinton was inducted into the Irish America Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, Hillary missed the event ‘cause they sent the invite to her WORK email.

 

Blue Jays outfielder Kevin Pillar is out for a week after a strong sneeze caused him to strain one of his muscles before a game. When asked about the injury, he hiccuped and passed away.

 

Of course, it's March Madness. Everyone's busy filling out their brackets. Even Jeb Bush filled one out. And you can tell he's running for president, 'cause his picks for the Final Four are Iowa, Iowa, Iowa and Iowa.

 

President Obama was photographed wearing a large black electronic watch that many people believe is his fitness tracker. Then Obama's Secret Service agent said: "Hey, that's kinda like the thing I have to wear on my ankle! If I'm on this side of the fence I can take a tequila shot."

 

President Obama was photographed wearing a fitness tracker that features a GPS, heart monitor and step counter. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden was photographed wearing a necklace with his name, address and allergies in case he gets lost.

 

The Late Show: David Letterman

St. Patrick’s Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It’s not the biggest. It’s right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.

 

According to a new study, doctors now say that loneliness is more dangerous than smoking and drinking. So they recommend that you smoke and drink with others.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers: Seth Meyers

It’s almost time for March Madness! That’s the big tournament where you start out with 64 teams and, in only three weeks, you’re down to no girlfriend.

 

A Florida woman told police during her arrest that she was caught sitting naked outside a Dunkin' Donuts because of a dare. It all started when someone said: “Hey, I dare you to smoke this meth.”

 

A bathroom at an Indiana Walmart has been closed indefinitely after an employee discovered a working meth lab inside. Though I’m just amazed they found something working inside a Walmart bathroom.

 

Congressman Aaron Schock has resigned after questions about his use of campaign money to renovate his office to look like a set from “Downton Abbey.” Although, if he’s a “Downton” fan, he should’ve known he’d eventually be killed off.

 

Actor Vin Diesel announced yesterday his girlfriend has given birth to their third child. Though it's hard to say if it's definitely his because Vin Diesel looks like EVERY baby.

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped by police in Australia this week for riding a bike without a helmet. It’s especially dangerous for Schwarzenegger, because if he got a concussion, how would you know?

 

BlackBerry and Samsung are working together on a new project to build a high-security tablet. The way it works is, it says “BlackBerry” on the back, and nobody wants to steal it.

 

March Madness is officially underway today and there have already been some major upsets. For instance, I told my wife I was going to watch basketball all weekend and she was majorly upset.

 

The Canadian Supreme Court announced that obese Canadians have the right to two seats on an airplane for the price of one. Said obese Canadians: “I get two, eh? Oh, and 2B.”