The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

You can't steer the course of an illness by lying about it. That's why it's called "Make-A-Wish" not "Everything's fine, Mark Ruffalo just wants to meet you."

Once again [Trump] learns nothing. He's like if Scrooge woke up on Christmas morning and said, "I've been visited by three ghosts. Don't be afraid of them, folks, and don't let them dominate you."

I'm a Catholic. I believe in giving up meat on Fridays during Lent. That's my right. But it does not give me the right to go into Texas Roadhouse and start knocking steaks off the tables like an angry cat.

[The vice-presidential debate] wasn't earth shattering, but that is how politics should be. You should be able to watch it and go to sleep and not wake up in a cold sweat worried that your health care won't cover cold sweats.

Coronavirus has been tearing through the White House faster than mono in a high school production of "Guys and Dolls."

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A poodle in Pennsylvania somehow made its way home to its family just one day after being carried away by a hawk. It walked in the house, poured itself a drink, and said, "You would not believe the day I had."

A woman who took 550 times the normal dose of LSD claims the foot pain she's had for almost 30 years went away. Then again, that's only because she chewed off her foot.

Wildlife officials in Tennessee discovered a bald eagle that had eaten so much it was too full to fly — and never before has there been a greater symbol of America.

A new study says that the average parent hasn't had a romantic date in three years. "Yeah, sounds about right," said parents currently eating the macaroni and cheese their kid wouldn't finish while standing over a sink.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Nobody should trust that man [Trump's doctor] as a physician! But I'll tell you what, he would absolutely crush as someone's hot dad on "Riverdale."

Even after Trump had been diagnosed, McEnany continued to speak to reporters without wearing a mask. Which makes sense since going viral while attacking the press is kind of her thing.

It does look like the drama of the moment really took Trump's breath away … oh that's probably the coronavirus.

Joe Biden said that next week's debate should not be held if Trump is still infected with the coronavirus. Does this even need to be said? This is like saying Keanu Reeves loves turtlenecks. We know this! This is not new information!

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Typhoid Donny made a Trump-umphant return to the White House last night with a dramatic balcony scene that only an egomaniac would ever even think to stage. I haven't been this confused by a masked man on a balcony since Michael Jackson dangled that baby off one.

Even though he was diagnosed with the coronavirus eight days ago, the president is planning to have a rally in Sanford, Florida, on Monday. So, come on down and get a big, wet hug from Grandpa Droplets!

I don't mean to be a cynic, but maybe the guy who wrote a book called "False Alarm" isn't the TV doctor we should be looking to right now.

Late Night with Seth Meyers

White House aides reportedly believe that a Rose Garden event last month to announce President Trump's Supreme Court nominee was the super-spreader incident responsible for a number of coronavirus cases. Incidentally, "Super Spreader" is also Trump's favorite sitting position.

Producers have announced that they have resumed filming Season 4 of the Netflix show "Stranger Things." Said Americans: "I dare you to show me something stranger than last week."

According to a new study, 49% of people say they have improved their coffee-making skills during the coronavirus pandemic. The other 51% work at Starbucks.

People magazine has published a list of safe ways to celebrate Halloween during the coronavirus pandemic, which includes drive-thru haunted houses. A drive-thru haunted house or, as it's more commonly known, Arby's.

Today was Russian President Vladimir Putin's 68th birthday, and he sat in front of his cake until the candles burned all the way down because he could not think of anything more to wish for.

Weekend Update with Michael Che and Colin Jost

President Trump claimed to have survived the coronavirus. I'm not gonna say I'm disappointed, but it kind of feels like when there's a car crash and the only survivor is the drunk driver.

Orthodox Jewish leaders in New York City lashed out at a newly imposed coronavirus restriction in their neighborhoods by setting fires and burning masks; and it's a miracle because the masks burned for eight nights.

A new Halloween costume being sold this year is for sexy hand sanitizer — which, I think, is just lube.

Pennsylvania police arrested a man who tried to rent a horse online so that he and his wife could have sex with the animal. But the man had no idea that, the whole time, he was actually chatting with a police horse.