A Little Late with Lilly Singh

Politician numbers are not like normal numbers. They're different math. You either have to round up or down depending on which crisis they're trying to downplay ... and then carry the one.

Thank you to everyone who spent the last few days cyberbullying the [Biden] administration into doing the right thing [by donating extra AstraZeneca vaccines]. ... Maybe it was you, or maybe he realized he could write this donation off for taxes.

It can be hard to get why the entire police system is bad. I mean, especially when cops are often depicted as heroes like on "Law & Order," "Chicago P.D." and "Brooklyn Nine-Nine." ... Who would root for these guys to lose? Andy Samberg? You wanna defund that lovable face?

Directing takes experience and most people don't break into directing until they're, like, 40, but then they immediately get pushed out of the industry because of ageism. It's pretty messed up! I mean, racism and sexism must be pretty pissed right now. Y'all thought you were the only ones screwing people over in Hollywood?! OK.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

According to a new CBS/YouGov/Arby's Crispy Curls poll, Biden's speech has an approval rating of 85%! Pretty good, but that's a sampling of all Americans.

[Ted] Cruz went viral last night when, during the speech, he fell asleep. I can relate to Ted Cruz. Now that Joe [Biden]'s president, I find it much easier to sleep, too.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi clapped back yesterday, releasing a statement that said, "Breaking: Two More House Republicans Exposed for Voting No, But Taking the Dough." Oh snap! Nancy's dropping bars! You should check out her full diss track ...

[Pharma giant] Merck and Johnson & Johnson working together! Superstars joining forces! It was like the Travelling Willburys of people who want us to do more travelling and less wills and burying.

The only way to make [The American Rescue Plan] more popular with Americans would be to deep fry it with a side of ranch dressing and a guest verse by Doja Cat!

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A new poll shows that almost two-thirds of Americans are feeling optimistic after President Biden's first 100 days in office ... of course we're feeling good -- we have vaccines in our arms, stimulus checks in our pockets and hot sauce in our Goldfish.

[As] the vaccine rollout continues, major companies like Domino's are now struggling to hire enough employees. Yeah, you can tell Domino's is desperate -- earlier today they ordered Papa John's and kidnapped the driver.

Happy Cinco de Mayo! "Cinco de Mayo," which, of course, is Spanish for "I puked in my Uber."

Earlier today, Facebook ruled to uphold former president Trump's suspension. So, if you want to see crazy conspiracy theories, you'll have to settle for any other person on Facebook.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

California now has the lowest virus rates in the entire country, with yesterday being the best day in L.A. County in over a year. And I think we all know that this ultimately comes down to one thing: the healing power of crystals.

A man was visiting a park in Pennsylvania over the weekend, and while he was using a porta potty, a massive tree fell and trapped him inside. ... When rescuers got to the door, the man inside was like, "Uh, occupied!"

The FDA is said to authorize the Pfizer COVID vaccine for people aged 12 to 15 years old ... up until now, they were only able to get their vaccines by asking their friend's older brother to snag them a six-pack of Pfizer.

This is nice: to really appeal to the kids [getting the vaccine], they're promoting it with SpongeBob SyringePants.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Bill and Melinda Gates yesterday announced that they have decided to part ways after 27 years of marriage. ... Poor Bill Gates. He’s been sleeping in his jet -- it’s very sad.

You know who I would like to see Bill Gates date? ... Kim Kardashian. ... Oh man -- they’d sell so much lip liner! The likes would be through the roof!

It is kind of funny that we make such a big deal out of Cinco De Mayo and Mexico really doesn’t. It would be like finding out the Canadians get hammered on Flag Day.

P. Sean Diddy Daddy posted ... his new middle name today, which is "Love." His name is now Sean Love Combs. I like it. It would be funnier if it was Sean Love Honey Combs -- but I think it’s pretty good.

Late Night with Seth Meyers

The Kentucky Derby was this weekend. "And they're off!" said Americans about their TVs.

President Biden said last week that he was not given advanced notice of the raid on former president Trump's personal attorney Rudy Giuliani's home. And I would have believed him if he hadn't had popcorn all over his suit.

Authorities in Pennsylvania announced last week that they arrested a man after they discovered $1 million worth of crystal meth, six so-called ghost guns and Nazi paraphernalia during a raid. And now the man is trying to decide if he should accept a plea deal or just go ahead and run for Congress.

According to a new survey, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo and his brother, CNN anchor Chris Cuomo, were as attractive to New York women as the Jonas Brothers. Said New York women, “Listen ... we’ve been locked inside for a long time.”