Late Night With Seth Meyers

Delta Airlines has announced it will be cutting its seat recline distance in half, to avoid disputes between passengers. "Oh, we'll find a way," said a passenger holding a baby and a tuna sandwich.

 

Today was Get to Know Your Customers Day. "There's nothing left to learn," said your Amazon Echo.

 

The European Union today threatened to impose tariffs on $20 billion worth of imported U.S. goods, including ketchup, fish and tractors. Which coincidentally is also the title of Kid Rock's new album.

 

Disney is expected to unveil a "Beauty and the Beast"-themed bar at one of its Florida resorts this fall. The way it works is, everyone there is a beast, and then three drinks in, they look like a beauty.

 

Today was International Pizza Cake Day. Which sounds exactly like a holiday Trump would make up to distract from the Mueller Report.

 

A bakery in Tennessee has started selling cakes to celebrate successful vasectomy operations. And -- this is insensitive -- it has chopped nuts.

 

In a new blog post, NASA announced that they recently sent mice to space. "Seriously?!" said female astronauts.

 

President Trump reportedly refers to his daughter Ivanka as "baby" in official meetings. "That's really inappropriate, daddy," said Stephen Miller.

 

According to a new study, 44 percent of roads in California are in poor condition. Which is in stark contrast to its residents, who have all had some work done.

 

A restaurant in Japan has started selling a new line of girls hair-flavored fried chicken. That story again: a restaurant in Japan stopped using hairnets.

 

Conan

During a campaign event in Iowa, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttegieg was heckled by an anti-gay protester. Buttegieg handled it like a pro, saying, "Settle down, Mr. Vice-President."

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

E.L. James, the woman who wrote "Fifty Shades of Grey," has just come out with her newest erotic novel. It's called "The Mister," and the story is actually about income inequality. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, "I've never been so turned on in my life!"

 

A science teacher in Japan was arrested for teaching his students how to make ecstasy. The teacher says he feels terrible … but also really, really good.

 

The other day in Connecticut, a police officer who likes to wear tap shoes while he's on duty was able to run down a car thief. When the suspect asked how many years he'd spend in jail, the officer was like, "Five, six, seven, eight!"

 

Carl's Jr. is testing a CBD-infused burger. So far it's working, 'cause customers eat the burger, walk outside, look up and say, "Sweet! Carl's Jr.!" and walk right back in.

 

Facebook says it "unintentionally uploaded" 1.5 million of its users' email contacts without permission. Facebook was like, "It was a complete accident and we didn't mean to upload the information -- we meant to sell it."

 

The Mueller Report is finally here, and it's a huge mess. Republicans say it proves there was no collusion and exonerates Trump. Democrats say they want to see the redacted parts and have the attorney general testify. While every American is like, "Thank God it's almost 4/20."

 

The [Mueller] report talks about collusion, obstruction and Russian interference. And it's pretty thick -- 381 pages. But when Hillary Clinton read it, she was still able to tear it in half with her bare hands.

 

Rather than saying whether or not Trump obstructed justice, Mueller is leaving it up to Congress to decide. That's a relief, 'cause if there's one group that's good at agreeing on things, it's Congress.

 

I read that Google's headquarters just got hit with a case of measles. Meanwhile, over at Bing, they were like, "Damn, not even the MEASLES come to us."

 

I read about a man in Florida who broke into a Little League concession stand and stole hotdogs and cash -- all while being completely naked. Meanwhile, one kid on the field was like, "Ugh, dad, you're embarrassing me!"

 

You can now take at-home STD tests. Health-care experts say it's perfect for anyone who likes to panic in the comfort of their own home.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

According to a report, men's beards actually contain more harmful germs and bacteria than dog fur. Men's beards are nastier than dog fur! On top of that, dogs don't make you try to listen to their Indie folk album.

 

[Tiger] Woods has had to overcome potentially career-ending injuries to make it back to championship form. And it just goes to show, it really does, that you can achieve anything with hard work, perseverance and a multimillion-dollar Nike sponsorship.

 

A divorced 40-year-old man in Indiana is suing his own parents for throwing away his $29,000 collection of pornography. And guess what ladies -- he's single!

 

The makers of Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies recently issued a recall because of an unexpected solidified ingredient that could cause adverse health effects. Yeah, it turns out Chips Ahoy cookies aren't the health food you thought they were.

 

California lawmakers have introduced a bill that would ban hotels from using tiny shampoo and conditioner bottles. The regulation is an effort to reduce plastic waste. Now listen, as long as I can still take all the towels and lamps, I'm fine with this.

 

A university professor in Japan is under investigation after he taught his science class how to make the drug ecstasy. To be fair, teaching your students how to make ecstasy seems like a great idea when you're on ecstasy.

 

A recent Singapore Airlines flight was halfway to London before the crew realized there was a stowaway. A bird had snuck onto the plane and was sitting in business class. The airline was OK with it because the bird's a frequent flyer.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Two male penguins in a same-sex relationship have hatched their first egg. Or -- and hear me out -- male penguins look exactly like female penguins.

 

A man in New Mexico was shot in the back by his dog after the animal rested his paw on a rifle on the back seat and it slipped. OK, but then why had the dog Googled, "how to shoot gun?"