The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Nothing says "the party of Christian values" like worshipping a golden idol.

 

That's right, no more masks in Texas! So, if they see you with a bandana over your face, you had better be robbing a stagecoach.

 

Authorities seized nearly 300 pounds of contraband bologna at the southern border. Take action America, because we can either do something now or see all this play out later in the upcoming series "Narcos: Deli Counter."

 

Out of an abundance of caution, the House canceled today's legislative sessions. It's kind of like a domestic terrorism snow day in that they're both dangerous and white.

 

A Little Late with Lilly Singh

Two women disguised themselves as grannies in an effort to get COVID vaccines. It's nice, for once, to see women working to look older than their age.

 

In the U.K., a mother thought she was protecting her family from coronavirus by making them drink their own urine. She made her kids drink their own pee for four days, and I'm sitting here like, "I hope she didn't also make them eat asparagus."

 

The subject line [in an email] is like the hot one in a boy band. The rest matters, sure … just less.

 

If you have to ask how many exclamation marks is too many exclamation marks, you've already passed the limit.

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

CPAC is a big deal for Conservatives. This is when all the QAnon members unveil all the new conspiracy theories that will roll out in the fall.

 

Tanqueray is launching a new alcohol-free gin. It's perfect for people who don't love the alcohol but love the taste of stain remover.

 

Snoop Dogg was playing "Madden" on Twitch, but he got so mad about the game that he rage-quit and stormed out of the room. Do you know what it takes to get Snoop Dogg that worked up? His resting heart rate is four.

 

I hope everyone gets the vaccine. It's weird that millions of Americans still think it's unsafe but have no problem washing down a McRib with a Shamrock Shake.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

The senate is scheduled to vote on President Biden's $1.9-trillion COVID relief package, but lots of people are upset that the bill will not include a previously promised minimum wage increase. "You had one job!" said everyone who's working two jobs.

 

Starting in May, Royal Caribbean will be offering cruises in which all of the passengers and all of the crew will already have been vaccinated for COVID-19. I'm worried they're going to be like, "You don't need masks on this cruise!" and then hundreds of people die when they go snorkeling.

 

Republican Ron Johnson is planning to force a reading of the entire 600-page [COVID relief] bill on the senate floor, which would take 10 hours. This is the political equivalent of making someone come to your improv show.

 

The vaccine is exactly like the upcoming James Bond movie: both have been delayed multiple times and I'm getting pretty frustrated by it.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

There were a lot of crazy speeches [at CPAC], but Trump out-crazied all of them, which was no mean feat considering that one of the speakers is part of a Japanese cult that believes its founder is an alien from Venus and another one was Don Jr.

 

A third woman has now come forward with allegations of inappropriate conduct by New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo and the craziest part is there's a photo of it! This is how mysteries in an Olsen twins movie end; this is not how real life goes.

 

As of March 10, Texans will no longer be required to wear face coverings in public. From then on, the only people wearing masks in Texas will be the Lone Ranger and the chainsaw massacre guy.

 

Why is it that the people who claim to love our country the most are also the ones who threaten to blow it up?

 

Donald Trump is said to be planning his political future right now and the rumor is he's in the market for a new running mate. Trump thinking Pence is the problem is like Hitler blaming his German shepherd for losing World War II.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden ordered airstrikes against Syria. Well, that certainly didn't take long. It's like going to a Chumbawamba concert and they open with "Tubthumping." We knew it was coming, we just didn't know it'd be right away.

 

Students at the University of Texas have filed a petition to change their alma mater song, "The Eyes of Texas," because it has racist origins. And just wait until they find out about the origins of Texas.

 

Actor Seth Rogen yesterday announced the launch of his new cannabis brand called Houseplant. And it must be good because he announced it again today.

 

President Biden said yesterday that his goal is that every teacher can receive the first dose of the coronavirus vaccine by the end of March. Said teachers: "May receive."

 

Former Trump White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany joined Fox News yesterday as an on-air commentator. So, it's kind of like her old job, except now she'll be on Fox a little less.