The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Over in Italy, a nurse accidentally gave a woman six doses of the Pfizer vaccine in one shot. I think in Italy they call that "family-style." Six doses of the vaccine! I'm 99% sure this is how every Marvel movie starts, isn't it? ... At this point, she's now protected from COVID-19, -20, -21, -22 ...

I read that the Biden administration is teaming up with McDonald's to help raise vaccine awareness. Yep, so get ready for the all-new "McDerna." ... McDonald's is even putting up a billboard in Times Square that says, "If you can put up with the after-effects of the McRib, you can deal with the after-effects of the vaccine.

Here in New York City it was just announced that some subway stations are offering COVID vaccines. First they sterilize your arm with a $2 bottle of vodka and a paper bag that was left on the seat, then they hold the shot near your arm and a parkour dancer kicks it in. 

I saw that ABC just renewed "Grey's Anatomy" for an 18th season. Even the cicadas coming back were like: "This show's still on?!"

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Folks, I've got a pep in my step because there are so many hopeful signs, at long last, that America may be emerging from the pandemic. People are walking around outside without masks; this weekend, families were able to come together safely for a loving Mother's Day; and ... Bennifer is back! Nature is healing.

What happened to the GOP? Back in Liz Cheney's father's day, if you had a problem with a fellow Republican, you didn't stab him in the back, you shot him in the face on a hunting trip. Then you made them go on TV and apologize to you.

One of [the Cyber Ninja election-audit] plans involves canvassers knocking on residents' doors to ask them about their votes. Because that's what ninjas are best known for: knocking on people's doors in broad daylight.

[Kentucky Derby winner] Medina Spirit tested positive for elevated levels of betamethasone, or, as it's called on the street, "the devil's oats," "happy apples," [or] "horse horse."

A Little Late with Lilly Singh

When it comes to doing something difficult [Biden letting in more refugees and immigrants], is there ever really a "right time"? Except for, like, 11:11 on Nov. 11, which is honestly a thrill!

When we use lesser language, it doesn't really capture how serious that act of crime [rape] really is. I mean, we don't call shoplifting "one-sided borrowing." We don't call murder "weapon-induced forever sleep." We don't call arson "making someone's home too hot to handle." 

Immigrants are basically the Little Engine That Could, and honestly, if they're excited to go live in North Dakota, they've proven they love this country more than most.

No matter how many times I check the fridge and try to remember everything I have before I go grocery shopping, once I'm in the grocery store, there is a 100% chance I'll buy something I absolutely do not need. Do you know how many containers and jars of salt and tumeric I have? A lot, OK? Enough to be an honorary Spice Girl. Just call me Hoarder Spice.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

According to a new book, Donald Trump Jr.'s ex-wife, Vanessa, and Donald Trump's daughter, Tiffany, both allegedly had inappropriate relationships with their secret service agents. Which, let's be honest, sounds like the worst remake of "The Bodyguard" ever.

Researchers in the Netherlands are now using bees to test for COVID-19. While coronavirus tests take hours, or even days, to provide accurate results, bees can smell the presence of the virus immediately. So far, the only glitch [is] if you're positive, they just sting the [expletive] out of you.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

We have been through a lot over the past year, but this is good news for those who love shows and tunes: "Hamilton," "Wicked" and "The Lion King" announced today [that] they are coming back to Broadway in New York. Hakuna Moderna!

Jeff Bezos has quite a project going! The founder of Amazon is reported to be building a $500-million super yacht that is so big it requires a "support yacht" to travel with it. This is the billionaire version of having a second fridge in your garage.

This is another strange detail [to the Colonial Pipeline shutdown]. The hackers behind the cyber-attack are a group of Russians who call themselves "Darkside." They issued an apology yesterday, [saying] their goal wasn’t to "create problems for society" [they]’re just trying "to make money." ... Are we sure they aren’t an oil company?

Late Night with Seth Meyers

A Swedish robotics company recently unveiled a battery-operated glove that can protect factory workers from chronic injury caused by repetitive manual tasks. "Tell me more …" said teenage boys.

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo announced plans this week to roll out pop-up coronavirus vaccination sites at train and subway stations. Because you're not a real New Yorker until you've been poked by a needle on the subway.

The U.S. Mint yesterday announced it will release a new series of quarters honoring 20 women, including poet Maya Angelou and astronaut Dr. Sally Ride. What an honor for those women to be bounced into a solo cup at a college party.

According to reports, Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates's wife, Melinda, may have filed for divorce over concerns about her husband's previous dealings with sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. Wow, even Bill Gates has trouble clearing his history!