Late Laughs for the week of June 26 - July 2

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

This year, after a two-year hiatus, Fleet Week returned to New York City. I love it! What's better than seeing a bunch of Navy SEALs infiltrate the M&Ms store. Of course, [it] kicked off today [May 25] with the parade of ships up the Hudson River. At first, I thought "[Wow,] the marketing for 'Top Gun' is insane!"


It's National Wine Day. Some people celebrate it by slowly pouring a glass, sniffing and swirling, while others stuck a straw right through the Franzia bag like an alcoholic Capri Sun.


Some news from overseas: I saw that Nike is reportedly leaving Russia permanently. Nike is basically the same in Russia, except the slogan is "Do it or else."


I heard about a couple with a "busy life" who just got married after a 60-year engagement. Sixty years! That explains why one of the gifts on the registry was a new hip.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

There are more than 190 confirmed or suspected cases [of monkey pox] in 16 countries including the U.K., Portugal, Germany, Belgium, France, the Netherlands, Italy, Sweden and Spain. Evidently, monkeypox is traveling through Europe. Even worse, it now insists on pronouncing it "Bar-the-lona."


The WHO is concerned monkeypox could accelerate during the summer months with mass gatherings like festivals, so be careful, primate-themed festivals like Lollapalemur, Chimpchella and Bonoboroo!


To help relieve the country's ongoing formula shortage, the U.S. Military airlifted baby formula from Europe .... But thanks to our European friends, our babies are now ready to chow down on 132 palettes of formula from Zurich, Switzerland. Ooh, and the Swiss formula is the best — it's got those little marshmallows in it.


According to a new study, during the COVID pandemic, a new billionaire was created every 30 hours. Specifically between March 2020 and March 2022, 573 people became new billionaires, including 40 new pharmaceutical billionaires, which is so sad: you know they're just going to blow it all on drugs.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

According to a new poll, 83% of Americans believe that the United States has "gone off the rails." Train terminology: you just know that Biden understands!


Researchers have discovered that men who fill their Tinder profile with shirtless pictures are perceived as less competent and more "slutty." As opposed to the men on Tinder wearing shirts who are competent but also slutty. Researchers say that men who pose shirtless [in] pictures are more promiscuous. The study was conducted by researchers at the University of Jealous Much?


A British man living in Spain earned a Guinness World Record after he rapped for 39 hours 37 minutes and 54 seconds. Feels a bit like quantity over quality .... This does bring up an important question, though: Can you call it rapping if you're alone in the studio under a blanket?


Oreo and Ritz have joined forces to create a new, very limited-edition salty snack. They're calling it "very limited," which means "we're pretty sure no one's going to buy this." Oreo cookies combined with Ritz crackers, and yes, this will start a three-day Twitter debate over whether this is technically a cracker or a cookie.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A federal judge denied a request made by one of the men charged with taking part [in the Jan. 6 riots]. The guy asked to take a five-day vacation to Cabo while awaiting trial for assaulting a Capitol police officer. This vacation was a prize from his employer, Mallinckrodt Pharmaceuticals, which is a drug company. That makes sense because anyone who thought a request like that made sense would have to be on drugs.


Kellyanne Conway, Trump's former adviser, has a new autobiography. They've been releasing tidbits from the autobiography. One of them being she admits that Trump lost the election. But she's very careful to do it in the one place she could be sure he would never see it — which is a book.


Rudy [Giuliani]'s buddies in Russia have released a list of 963 Americans who are banned from visiting ... Russia. It's a weird mix of politicians and celebrities. It includes President Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Mark Zuckerberg, Hillary Clinton, George Stephanopolous and Morgan Freeman, for some reason, is on the list. Which, banning the president, I guess I understand — but Morgan Freeman? What is he going to do? Narrate you to death?


Late Night With Seth Meyers

A man in Wisconsin last week celebrated his 50th anniversary of eating a McDonald's Big Mac almost daily and has only missed eight days. That's not bad. Fifty years of Big Macs and only eight heart attacks.


President Biden said yesterday [May 22] that the U.S. economic recovery is going to take some time. OK, "take some time" like the Amazon option that saves you a dollar, or "take some time" like "Avatar 2"? If he were any more vague, he'd be a Magic 8 Ball.


The fast-food chain Arby's announced yesterday [May 23] that it will add a hamburger to its menu for the first time in its history. But people don't go to Arby's because they want a burger, they go there because everything else is closed.


Firefighters in New Jersey recently removed a four-foot monitor lizard from a tree in a residential neighborhood. Isn't that wild? There's a tree in New Jersey!