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Late Laughs for the week of June 20 - June 26, 2021

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Nearly 50% of all Americans have gotten at least one dose [of the COVID-19 vaccine], and COVID deaths are as low as they've been since last summer. Yes, "Low Death Summer": my favorite Beach Boys album.

 

Shocking news out of eastern Europe because yesterday Belarus forced a commercial plane to land so that they could seize a dissident [Roman Protasevich]. There was some warning for passengers: the pilot had turned on the no-opposition-to-murderous-dictator light.

 

This morning, Politico's New York playbook plugged our show, but -- and this is real -- they ran it with a small typo. It's subtle, but see if you can spot it: "Stephen Colbert's 'Late Show' will return anti-Semitic, all-vaccinated studio audience on June 14." What?! That is horrible and totally wrong! Our audience will not be anti-Semitic. I'm not sure where this came from, but I'll check with our new publicist, Marjorie Taylor Greene.

 

A Little Late with Lilly Singh

Even doing this rant, I already know that there's going to be haters sitting at home being like, "OK, let me take a shot every time Lilly talks about being a Brown woman." And let me just tell you, homie, I hope you ate dinner, OK? Because if you're doing this on an empty stomach, oh, you're going to feel it in the morning!

 

When did skin care become an 80-step routine? ... You've got your toners, exfoliators, lip scrubs, jawline-smoothing serums, eyebrow-plumping juice cleanse -- I don't know. ... Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% on board for having healthy skin. I like healthy skin. But remembering all these steps in the order in which they go is going to give me wrinkles. Counterproductive!

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

President Biden gave U.S. intelligence agencies 90 days to find out exactly how [COVID-19] started. Biden was like, "If you can find a fiancé in 90 days, you can find the truth about COVID.

 

Last night it came out that a grand jury is hearing evidence against former president Trump and could indict him. Trump knew he was in trouble when he called his lawyer and the FBI answered Rudy's phone. 

 

So, this man in Virginia created a COVID-safe way for people to blow out birthday candles by inventing a device that's called the Blowzee. I think it's a good idea, but I'm not sure I want the word "Blowzee" showing up on my credit card statement.

 

I read that over $1 million worth of cocaine tied to life-jackets washed up on a beach in England. Police got to work on the case while the Syfy Channel got to work on "Cocaine Shark." 

 

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Airports may soon start screening people for COVID using dogs. According to a new study that came out today, dogs can detect more than 90% of infections, which would eliminate the need for passengers to quarantine. Cats, meanwhile, don't care if you live or die.

 

The White House has a new initiative to encourage people to get vaccinated: it's partnering with dating apps. Proof of vaccination will now get users on apps like Tinder, Hinge and Bumble access to premium content, including boosts, superlikes and superswipes. And as I'm saying this, I have never been happier to be married and not have to deal with any of this.

 

Trump responded to the news [of his possible indictment] by lashing out, calling the grand jury "purely political." That's right, this is clearly just a plot to get Trump kicked out of the White House. That's all this is. Trump also called it part of "the greatest witch-hunt in American history," which begs the question: Are people actually out there ranking witch-hunts?

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul ... says he has no plans to get vaccinated. He’s just gonna keep gelling his hair with Purell – he believes that protects him. ... The good news is everyone in Rand Paul’s life stays at least six feet away from him anyway.

 

Since January, the Trump Organization has been charging the secret service $400 a night for a room at Mar-A-Lago. ... These poor Secret Service agents; they spend years training to be part of an elite security task force [and] they wind up on the golf course, watching Jabba the Putt gobble up potato skins.

 

Thirty-four million Americans are expected to hit the road this weekend. Another 2.5 million have plans to fly, which is way up from the same time last year. The TSA says [to] expect long lines at the airport. I’m even excited to see the TSA. When that wand touches my inner thigh, I’m gonna look the agent right in the eyes and say, "I missed you too, big guy."

 

Late Night with Seth Meyers

President Biden yesterday called on China to participate in a, quote, "full, transparent, evidence-based international investigation" to find the origins of COVID-19. Said China: "Honestly, can this wait? We are just slammed with COVID-21, er, I mean, sure! No problem!"

 

According to a new report, former president Trump tried to intervene in 2008 to stop the investigation of the New England Patriots' so-called "Spygate scandal." Wait, he was involved in that scandal, too? He's like the Forrest Gump of scandals. Next we're gonna find out he was one of the 1919 Black Sox.

 

It was announced last week that Pope Francis will get a new electric popemobile. Of course, before he can plug the charger into the outlet, they have to get married.