The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

The other day, a woman in Pennsylvania gave birth in a Taco Bell parking lot. The manager was like, "Come inside!" And the woman said, "It's cleaner out here!"

 

I read that every day, 750,000 people visit Rockefeller Center. They spend three seconds looking at the tree, then three hours trying to leave.

 

I saw that Kanye West tweeted that he's trying to get together with Bob Dylan. When he heard that, Bob Dylan was like, "My phone number is a changin'."

 

I read that the Trump administration is easing restrictions on school lunches to allow more chocolate milk. I guess after losing Time's Person of the Year, Trump is trying to win a Kids' Choice Award.

 

There's a new Carnival Cruise ship that will have a roller-coaster on its deck. Yeah, a roller-coaster on a Carnival Cruise. The captain was like, "One way or another, we're gonna make you barf."

 

President Trump's chief of staff John Kelly is leaving the White House. It didn't take long to pack up his office because the only things in his desk are some Tylenol and a handle of vodka.

 

Well, now the administration is looking for a new chief of staff to bring order to the White House and improve Trump's behavior. Which explains their first choice: Mary Poppins.

 

Actually, one of Mike Pence's aides was expected to replace Kelly, but he turned Trump down. You know you're a tough guy to work for when someone says, "Thanks, but I'd rather be stuck in a room all day with Mike Pence."

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The president this weekend nominated William P. Barr to be his next attorney general. I'll be honest -- I saw the headline "Trump nominates Barr" and I thought he picked Roseanne.

 

The president is said to be very angry over this situation with the chief of staff. According to one source, Trump is "super pissed." When is he not super pissed? I think the last time he was happy was the day Kim Kardashian came to visit.

 

American Media Incorporated, which is the parent company of the National Enquirer, has agreed to co-operate with federal prosecutors. That's right, folks -- even the National Enquirer has flipped on Donald Trump. I guess the fake news really is out to get him, because that's as fake as it gets.

 

Trump is threatening to shut the government down unless Congress fully funds the border wall he told us Mexico would be paying for. Trump said he would be "proud to shut the government down for border security." He's basically a toddler threatening to keep screaming on the floor of Toys "R" Us until Congress buys him a Hatchimal.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former NFL star Tiki Barber has announced he will be joining the cast of the Broadway musical "Kinky Boots." And in exchange, Nathan Lane is gonna play quarterback for the Jets.

 

A new study has found that "there is strong and consistent evidence that James Bond has a chronic alcohol consumption problem" that is at the "severe" end of the spectrum. Also it seems like maybe he's killed hundreds of people.

 

Starting in January, Delta Air Lines will begin using a new, "more complex" boarding process based on ticket type and color. The way it works is, everybody will still jam their stupid bodies in the boarding area as soon as the door opens.

 

According to a new report, the Utah Department of Agriculture and Food is looking to hire a "Cannabis Program Manager" to oversee marijuana regulations. A "Cannabis Program Manager," or as it's more commonly known, an R.A.

 

During a new Fox News interview with Sean Hannity, first lady Melania Trump was asked the moment she and Donald fell in love. Said Melania, "I'll let you know."

 

According to the Wall Street Journal, the Boy Scouts of America are considering filing for bankruptcy. Meanwhile, the Girl Scouts are planning to buy a house in the Hamptons with all that cookie money.

 

Today is International Jewish Book Day. Incidentally, "Jewish Book" is what Mike Pence calls the first half of the Bible.

 

Today was International Jewish Book Day. Books like Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and That's It."

 

KFC has introduced new fried chicken-scented fireplace logs in time for the holiday. So if you're wondering what you're getting for Christmas -- raccoons.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Firefighters in Texas saved more than 100 snakes, including pythons and boa constrictors, from a burning home. Said the homeowner, "Cool, where's my wife?"

 

It was reported that the Boy Scouts of America are considering filing for bankruptcy in the face of declining membership. Apparently there's some problem with their business model of hoping parents will pay adult strangers to take their children deep into the woods.

 

A new poll shows that the frontrunner for the 2020 Democratic nomination is Beto O'Rourke, followed by Joe Biden, then Bernie Sanders, then Oprah, then Lena Dunham ... then a chai latte in a pantsuit, then a DVD box set of "The West Wing," and then my personal favorite, Barack Obama in a mustache.

 

President Trump held a contentious budget meeting at the White House this week with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. If you missed it, just go to a Denny's and watch three grandparents fight over the check.

 

It was announced that the Broadway musical "Avenue Q," about raunchy puppets, will close in the spring after 15 years. But if you still want to see raunchy puppets, just head to Times Square and watch Elmo kick a pigeon.

 

This week, Michael Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison, and he claimed he only committed his crimes out of blind loyalty to Donald Trump. But Cohen was clearly a crook before he met Donald Trump. You know how I know? He was hired by Donald Trump.

 

The only questions on a Trump job application are: "Do you do crimes?" and "Wanna do more?"

 

Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie has taken himself out of the running to be the permanent White House chief of staff. Also taking Chris Christie out of the running: side cramps.

 

This is a lot of legal trouble for any president. I mean, I'm no lawyer, but neither is Trump's lawyer.

 

Trump has reportedly told people close to him that he's worried he will get impeached. And by "people close to him," I of course mean Sean Hannity and Colonel Sanders.