The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight, Trump and Melania hosted two Hanukkah parties at the White House. The parties were a little awkward. When Trump walked by a menorah, he blew out the candles and made a wish.

Apple has a new MacPro computer, and I heard that if you order it with every available feature, it costs $52,000. When he heard that, even Gerrit Cole was like, "Oh, hell no."

This weekend is SantaCon! It's the annual bar crawl where people put on a red costume and drink all day. Or, as Times Square Elmo calls that, "Life."

Scientists have discovered that monkeys who have best friends live longer than other monkeys. Though the study noted it's important that the monkeys be actual friends and not just "frenemonkeys."

A Little Late With Lilly Singh

Sometimes I see a preteen wearing makeup, and I'm just like, "NO! Don't do it!" because I miss the days when my morning routine was just putting on LipSmacker and drowning myself in Bath & Body Works.

As you may have heard, the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show was recently canceled. This year, after a senior executive made discriminatory comments, the catwalk finally ran out of lives. Those angels finally went to heaven.

If you don't know if you're in the friend zone, I'll tell you how you can know. If you're making a pact to get married if you're still single at 40, you're in the friend zone.

Conan

Rudy Giuliani is now officially divorced. In response, today thousands of women deactivated their Tinder profile.

Harvey Weinstein, who is out on bail, tried to remove his ankle bracelet at least 50 times. Weinstein said, "You have no idea what it feels like to have something on you without your consent."

The House judiciary introduced an amendment to refer to the president as "Donald John Trump." They added the "John" because that's where he writes most of his tweets.

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

For only the fourth time in American history, articles of impeachment were drafted against a sitting president. It's something that no one could have predicted … until Trump was elected.

Nothing says job security like calling someone the "current" director of the FBI. That's like saying, "Why is my current wife so suspicious of all my business trips? My next wife is totally cool with it."

Teens don't go to movies anymore. They stay home and TikTok their vape pens on Fortnite -- I don't know, teenagers scare me.

Finland just wrapped up their election, and after her landmark win on Sunday, Sanna Marin will become the world's youngest prime minister at the age of 34. This isn't her first prominent government role. Marin is the country's former transportation minister, she got that role at an even younger age because of her experience with how the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Time magazine today unveiled their Person of the Year for 2019, and that person is Greta Thunberg. The 16-year-old activist is the youngest woman -- youngest human -- ever to be named person of the year. And to honor this young woman who's dedicated her life thus far to saving our environment, Time will cut down thousands of trees to print two million copies of the magazine.

In my opinion, the person of the year has to be this guy -- his name is Bruno Cardinali, he's an executive at an American restaurant chain, and he is also the man responsible for the Popeye's chicken sandwich. How did Bruno not at least make the top five? No one's waiting in line for four hours to get a Nancy Pelosi.

JJ Abrams is here from Star Wars! He's gonna spoil everything! Right up top, I'll tell you that Luke Skywalker's mom paid Obi Wan half a million credits to get him into Jedi School. And it turns out the force is gluten.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In a new interview, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that she never watched President Trump on "The Apprentice." And then Trump said he never watched her on Golden Girls. "You were Blanche, right?"

According to reports, Rudy Giuliani has reached a divorce settlement with his third wife. They opted for divorce after she realized he was difficult to live with, and he realized she didn't have any dirt on Joe Biden.

According to reports, during a hunting trip to Mongolia earlier this year, Donald Trump Jr. killed an endangered sheep. Even worse, he bored it to death by reading from his book.

Doctors are warning people to moderate their food intake in the coming weeks to avoid so-called "holiday heart syndrome," which is an irregular heart rhythm caused by poor nutrition. It's especially bad for Americans around the holidays of Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Presidents Day, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, the 4th of July, Arbor Day, Labor Day and Tuesday through Sunday.

Weekend Update

According to a new poll, 37% of registered Republicans say that Donald Trump is a better president than George Washington. Now that sounds ridiculous, but then I remembered George Washington owned slaves. So I guess I would say Trump's better than that?

The group "One Million Moms" is boycotting the Hallmark Channel for airing a commercial featuring a same-sex couple getting married and kissing. Ladies, relax. If your kid is watching the Hallmark Channel, he's already gay as hell.

The Scripps National Spelling Bee has announced a change to next year's contest after this year's spelling bee ended in an eight-way tie. The new change? Knives.