The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The shutdown is bad news for fans of food, because the FDA has halted routine food inspections, so food companies are going to have to start adjusting their advertising. Now Kix cereal is just going to say, "Kid tested … ."

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I read that an Arizona woman sent a man more than 159,000 texts after they went on one date. When asked why she did it, the woman was like, "Why? Did he ask about me?"

 

Tonight was the season premiere of "The Bachelor." And the new bachelor is Colton, an ex-NFL player who says he's still a virgin. He says it's a little old-fashioned, but he just believes in waiting until he finds the right 30 women.

 

I read about a 94-year-old woman in Utah who is Arby's oldest employee. When asked what it's like to work with her, the manager said, "Oh thank God, you can see her, too."

 

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and his wife are splitting up. But on the bright side, he has a lot of extra boxes to pack up his things.

 

I heard that Denver could become the first city in America to decriminalize magic mushrooms. They're the first ones to realize that the only way Americans will eat vegetables is if they're also drugs.

 

Due to the shutdown, the FDA has rolled back their food inspections. Or as romaine lettuce put it: "I'm back baby!"

 

Lady Gaga apologized for making a song with R. Kelly back in 2013. Gaga said she hopes her fans can move on from this embarrassing moment and enjoy her new duet with Kevin Spacey.

 

I heard that the Academy Awards are planning to move forward without a host. It sounds crazy until you remember that America has been moving forward without a government.

 

It just came out that last year, Robert Mueller secretly interviewed one of Trump's campaign pollsters, Tony Fabrizio. Which is impressive, because usually when you have a secret meeting with a guy named "Tony Fabrizio," you don't come back.

 

Disneyland is raising its prices, and the cheapest ticket will be over $100. They know it's kind of shocking -- which is why they take your picture the moment you find out the price.

 

A gas shortage in Mexico could mean that avocados aren't delivered to the U.S. before Super Bowl Sunday. It's the first time gas will affect Mexican food, and not the other way around.

 

Earlier tonight, President Trump gave his first-ever prime-time address from the Oval Office. He would've done it last night, but he knew interrupting "The Bachelor" would get him impeached.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

A bride and groom who are both mathematicians came up with an unusual seating arrangement for their wedding guests. Everybody who came to the wedding had to solve a math equation to find their seats. I did the math of how many people enjoyed that wedding: it was zero.

 

Frontier Airlines is now making headlines after taking the unusual step of asking passengers to start tipping their flight attendants. Frontier flight attendants say the most valuable tip they've received so far is to go and work for another airline.

 

A 90-year-old cyclist in Indiana, who still actively participates in bike races, will be stripped of a championship title after he recently failed a drug test. Yeah, he was found to have performance-enhancing drugs in his system. Now, let's be honest, at 90 years old, isn't every drug a performance-enhancing drug?

 

The first restaurant in Paris exclusively for naked diners has announced it's closing due to a lack of customers. I know, what a shame. Is this a shock to anyone? Who thought this would work? Scalding hot soup and no pants don't mix.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

You know, it's funny -- we're gone for two weeks and at first it feels great to be on vacation. You're relaxed, just kind of hanging out -- and then Kevin Spacey makes an insane video and you have got no place to talk about it. I was out on the lawn yelling at the neighbors.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The NYPD is looking for a man who recently broke into an Apple store and stole $75,000 worth of products. That's crazy -- why would anyone need five iPhone cables?

 

A cat that went missing from its owner in Michigan for two months was recently found over 1,000 miles away in Florida. Or, some cats look the same.

 

A team of scientists in Brazil and Ireland have published a paper suggesting ways to genetically modify tomatoes to be spicy. Though, to be fair, people in Ireland already think tomatoes are spicy.

 

A company has developed a new robotic suitcase that will automatically follow its owner. Unfortunately, it also loudly sobs when you put it in the overhead bin.

 

The Spice Girls reportedly turned down over $100 million recently to do a reunion tour in the U.S. That story again: Victoria Beckham turned down $100 million to do a reunion tour.

 

A software company unveiled new technology this week that can track down Netflix users who share their passwords with others. "You caught me," said literally every Netflix user.

 

Netflix has started asking fans of its horror film "Birdbox" not to participate in the viral "Birdbox Challenge" where people record themselves trying to wear a blindfold for up to 24 hours. They also warned against the "Fuller House Challenge" where you try to watch an episode of "Fuller House."

 

Romantic texts messages between Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and his new girlfriend have leaked to the press. Well, it depends on your definition of romantic. It's a lot of, "Yeah, baby, do you like that? Then here's a list of other things you might be interested in."

 

According to Reuters, Google moved $22.7 billion to Bermuda in 2017 through a Dutch shell company to avoid taxes. While over at Bing, you're no longer allowed to flush if it's just pee.

 

Vice-President Mike Pence today called the situation at the southern border a "bona fide emergency." And then he immediately went to confession for saying the word "bona."

 

Sen. Bernie Sanders gave a response to President Trump's live Oval Office address tonight that streamed on Facebook, YouTube and Twitter. Or as Sanders calls them, Faceplace, BoobTube and The Tweeters.