Conan

The weather is really messing up everything. Amtrak is canceling services in some areas. In other words, Amtrak is not affected.

 

They couldn't get anyone to play the Super Bowl halftime show this year. They had a very hard time. They finally got Maroon 5. Apparently, Maroon 1 through 4 said no.

If you turn on the TV, all anyone's talking about is the polar vortex. It's crazy, that's the big story. Midwest, polar vortex. But, here in Los Angeles, we have something just as bad: moderate rain.

 

Here's a weird truth: if you know there's a football team in L.A., chances are you're probably playing on it.

 

It is really freaking cold in the Midwest. It's so cold, truck nuts on the back of pickups have moved up inside the truck.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

The whole country is dealing with crazy weather right now. Today, the polar vortex brought the coldest temperatures in 20 years to parts of the Midwest. And Midwesterners were so upset, they ALMOST started cursing.

 

An 80-year-old crossing guard in Iowa said the cold won't stop him from doing his job. Then his boss said, "Nothing stops him -- we fired that guy 40 years ago."

 

The Super Bowl is this Sunday, and on game day, a marijuana dispensary in Oregon is delivering pizza AND weed. When they heard that, every Domino's delivery guy was like, "Oh please, we've been doing that for years."

 

Super Bowl 53 is on Sunday! Which means we're just a few days away from your drunk friend walking in front of the TV at a crucial moment.

 

I love the Super Bowl. Every year, I watch the game on 100-inch TV -- until Best Buy says, "Sir, we need you to leave."

 

Experts say that during a polar vortex, you shouldn't leave items like beer, eggs and medicine in your car. Though if that's what you're keeping in your car, the polar vortex is the least of your problems.

 

I love Shaq, but it's tough getting him up here. You have to maneuver him in the elevator like you're moving a couch.

 

I read that by the end of the week, 250 million Americans will experience freezing temperatures. So if you can, please check in on the elderly. All day long the Patriots kept checking on Tom Brady.

 

Last night, there was supposed to be a live broadcast of the musical "Rent," but one of the actors broke his foot. So they had to air a pre-taped rehearsal. The actor's fine, but doctors say he's gotta wear a cast for about 525,600 minutes.

 

Today, for the first time since the government shutdown, federal employees went back to work! TSA agents were so happy, they popped opened the champagne they'd been confiscating for a special occasion.

 

Denmark is building a 43-mile-long fence along its border with Germany to keep out wild pigs. And just to mess with Trump, Mexico agreed to pay for it.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

The most popular time of the day to use Tinder is apparently 9 p.m. And, by the way, the most popular time to completely give up on love forever is 9:02 p.m.

 

January is the most popular month for Tinder. So this is good news if your New Year's resolution is to get ghosted by a guy named Xander who's rock climbing in every photo.

 

The American Kennel Club has recently announced that they will be opening a dog museum in New York City. ... Meanwhile, the cat museum continues to be your aunt Judy's condo in Tampa.

 

Thousands of people have now signed an online petition to merge North Dakota and South Dakota into a brand new state called -- I promise I'm not kidding here -- MegaKota. Because if there's one thing you want your state to sound like, it's a monster truck rally.

 

"MegaKota" sounds less like an American state and more like a giant robot made out of Dakota Fanning and Dakota Johnson.

 

The Vatican recently launched an official track team made up entirely of priests and nuns with the ultimate goal of competing in the Olympics. Yeah, you thought gold medal winners thanked God before.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

They say it could be even colder in Chicago this week than it is in Antarctica. Residents of Chicago are being forced to slice into deep dish pizzas and crawl inside them for warmth.

 

It was 17 degrees below zero in Chicago today -- the second-coldest day in recorded history. There's a hashtag going around calling Chicago "Chiberia," but no one is using it because it's too cold to take your gloves off and text.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In celebration of Black History Month, Disney has announced it will be holding free screenings of "Black Panther" throughout the first week of February. And in celebration of White History Months, "Friends" will be re-airing on TBS until the end of time.

 

A woman was arrested in Connecticut last week for driving under the influence of vanilla extract, which is the craziest euphemism I've ever heard for "white privilege."

 

A woman in England recently found that she had a ring stuck up her nose for 12 years, after she sneezed it out. And despite making him wait that long, she still said no.

 

Due to frigid temperatures, railroad tracks in Chicago were set on fire today in order to keep trains running smoothly. While in New York, we have no idea why our train tracks are on fire.

 

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz tweeted yesterday that he is "considering running for president." When asked if he's a Democrat or a Republican, he said, "half and half."

 

Sen. Kamala Harris said this week that as part of her presidential platform, she would advocate for a single-payer health-care system. It would replace our current system of "taking Flintstone vitamins and hoping for the best."

 

Applebee's has announced it will begin selling $1 hurricanes next month ahead of Mardi Gras. Incidentally, $1 for hurricanes is also Trump's FEMA policy.

 

"The Bachelor" is facing criticism after the show traveled to Singapore this week and perpetuated "nasty stereotypes that food from Asian countries is dirty and unsophisticated." Incidentally, "dirty and unsophisticated" is what Kelly H. listed as her occupation.