Jimmy Kimmel Live

Ted Cruz is the only vampire that ages faster than a human being.

 

If Donald Trump ever ends up on money, it should be a sock full of nickels you use to beat people up with.

 

Trump, of course, was unhappy with Sessions for recusing himself in the Russia investigation. You know how it goes -- you recuse, you lose, Jeff.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Australia just gave birth to a 12-pound baby without any pain meds. The doctor said, "You're amazing!" while the baby was like, "I am never gonna hear the end of this."

 

A restaurant in Chicago is serving the spaghetti dish from the movie "Elf," which is pasta topped with maple syrup, Pop Tarts and candy. Or as that's known in Chicago, "a salad."

 

I saw that "The Grinch" is in theaters this weekend. And get this, they just added an emotional new scene where Jeff Sessions reunites with his family in Whoville.

 

I saw that a Republican congressman in South Carolina gave trick-or-treaters pocket-sized Constitutions. Yeah, it was the first time that kids were like, "Got any raisins?"

 

One of Hillary Clinton's advisers said it's more likely that she wins the Powerball than runs for president again. Then Vladimir Putin said, "Matter of fact, we control that, too."

 

I saw that this week at the White House, Trump gave a big speech about immigration. It's like when your drunk friend grabs the mic at a wedding: you don't know what he's gonna say, you just know you'll be apologizing to everyone later.

 

The midterm elections are over, and Congress is now split, with Republicans winning the Senate but losing the House. Trump was shocked -- he said, "I thought those were the same thing!"

 

Now that they control the House, Democrats will try to investigate Trump's finances and get his tax returns. Which is why, today, Trump ran up to the troops guarding the Mexican border and yelled, "Let me out!"

 

That's right, Trump might replace Jeff Sessions with Chris Christie. Apparently, Trump was like, "The elf didn't work, let's try Santa."

 

Last night was the big Mega Millions drawing for $1.6 billion, and it turns out the winning ticket was sold in South Carolina. So congratulations to the lucky winner for becoming the most hated person in America!

 

I want to say congratulations to the Boston Red Sox, who won the World Series last night! It's Boston's ninth time winning the series, or as the Yankees put it, "Aww … that's cute."

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Subway officials in New York are rewriting the script that conductors use when making announcements to passengers. From now on, all announcements will begin with, "You should buy a car."

 

A woman in Ohio was arrested this week for allegedly stealing more than $1,600 worth of Girl Scout cookies. But they let her off with a warning because it turned out they were the gluten-free kind.

 

A luxury hotel in the Maldives has opened a $50,000-per-night underwater villa in the Indian Ocean. And if you love real estate that's underwater, try Trump's hotels.

 

According to Vanity Fair, Donald Trump Jr. has been telling friends that he's worried about being indicted by special counsel Robert Mueller. Said Don Jr.'s friends: "I'd say we're more like acquaintances."

 

President Trump said this afternoon that he will adopt a, quote, "warlike posture" if House Democrats move to investigate him personally. That's right: he's going to develop bone spurs in his feet.

 

President Trump said today that after last night's election, the Republicans "defied history" and expanded their Senate majority. Of course it's easy to defy history when you literally don't know any of it.

 

After a New York Times reporter asked President Trump what evidence he has that "hardened criminals" are trying to cross the U.S.-Mexico border, Trump responded, quote, "Oh please, don't be a baby." Which is incidentally the same thing he said while Eric was being born.

 

At a campaign rally last night, President Trump bragged about his response to the multiple explosive devices sent to prominent Democrats, saying, quote, "By the way, do you see how nice I'm behaving tonight?" You know, like a normal person would say. If you're ever on a date with a guy and he says, "See how nice I'm behaving," pepper spray him until the canister runs out.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Police were called to a Florida Walmart after employees found an alligator in the break room. When he should have been greeting people at the door.

 

A woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a Taco Bell. Which is legally called "assisted suicide."

 

People magazine has named Idris Elba 2018's Sexiest Man Alive. Idris Elba is also what your wife calls that thing she hides in her dresser.

 

There were many historic firsts in the midterms. Colorado's Jared Polis became the first openly gay man elected governor in United States history. Which is fantastic, but it's also weird to me that the media uses the term "openly gay." That implies there are a bunch of other governors they're pretty sure about, but for now they're still going to call them "confirmed bachelors."

 

One state that really surprised me was Florida. In their ballot initiatives, they let felons vote, banned greyhound racing and banned indoor vaping. So basically, they banned Florida.

 

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was hospitalized after she fractured three ribs. Surprisingly, while defending her UFC featherweight belt.

 

Political experts say that Democrats were able to retake the House thanks to the support of white women. Well, they said "suburban" women, but we all know that suburban means white, right? If they said, ethnic women, nobody's like, "You mean the Irish?"

 

Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty received almost 70,000 write-in votes for governor of Pennsylvania. Even though Gritty is already serving a lifetime term as king of my nightmares.

 

The Spice Girls have announced an upcoming summer reunion tour. Sponsored by Old Spice.

 

The Philadelphia city council approved a resolution honoring Gritty, the new Philadelphia Flyers mascot. After lawmakers passed the measure, Gritty kept his end of the deal by releasing their children.