The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, a man in New Jersey was charged with a DUI, and he told police that the reason he drank so much was "because the Jets suck." That story again: A man in New Jersey has been drunk for 50 years.

 

I read that New York street food vendors are going to get letter grades from the health inspector starting next month. Which means we all have 30 more days to enjoy hotdogs for the very last time.

 

That's right, health inspectors will give New York street food vendors letter grades. So if you see a street cart with the letters "A," "B" or "C," that's just the type of hepatitis you'll get.

 

Starting next year, grocery stores might start carrying food with genetically altered DNA. It gets weird when you say, "This apple looks good," and the apple goes, "Thanks."

 

For the holidays, I saw that Jimmy Dean is giving away wrapping paper that smells like sausage. It's being called the most festive way to make sure your dog destroys everything under the tree.

 

Thanksgiving is less than a week away! Which means if you haven't left for the airport by now, you're screwed.

 

I heard that President Trump is going to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un after the new year. It makes sense because Trump's New Year's resolution is to appreciate the little things.

 

It was announced that the final season of "Game of Thrones" will debut next April. Fans said they're excited to reunite with the characters they've loved over the past eight years, and watch them all die horribly.

 

Health officials want everyone to throw away their romaine lettuce because it might have E. coli. In response, iceberg lettuce was like, "Well, well, well, look who came crawling back."

 

In a new interview, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said if he could choose someone to play him in a movie, it would be Mark Wahlberg. It makes sense because by law, every movie about someone in Boston has to be played by Mark Wahlberg.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

After getting drunk and going shopping online, a man in China was shocked the next day to find out what he had purchased: a live pig, a peacock and a giant salamander. Is it just me, or does the Chinese version of Amazon sound amazing? It's not going to be a traditional Thanksgiving, but this guy's dinner shopping is done.

 

A man in Mississippi was recently arrested after he intentionally drove his pickup truck into the courthouse while trying to report that he had been robbed of his drug paraphernalia. I hate to say it, but two bongs don't make a right.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The president is reportedly planning to give the ax to Kirstjen Nielsen, his secretary of Homeland Security. And Nielsen has done her best to please the president. She strongly supported his policy of taking children away from their parents at the border. But I guess in the end, she just wasn't quite evil enough.

 

Apparently, Mira Ricardel and members of Melania's camp had an argument over the seating arrangements on a flight from Africa. According to the story, Ricardel wanted Melania to sit in the middle section of the plane, and Melania wanted to jump out of it.

 

Trump lashed out at the French today, mocking their performance in World Wars I and II. And really, who better to mock a country's war record than the guy who dodged the draft because of bone spurs while playing on the basketball team.

 

In Palm Beach County, you know they had to start the early vote count over because some of the machines overheated. Even Florida's voting machines are going through menopause.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A teacher in Missouri was suspended recently after a student dressed up as a KKK member as part of a history class presentation. Because, in Missouri, that's not history yet.

 

A company in Wisconsin gained attention this week after they gave all of their employees handguns as Christmas presents. Wow, that is appalling. They gave out Christmas presents before Thanksgiving?!

 

A 73-year-old woman in Florida was arrested last week after she reportedly brought meth with her to a doctor's office to have it tested. Said the woman: "That means I gave my dealer my urine sample!"

 

First lady Melania Trump issued a statement today calling for the removal of deputy national security adviser Mira Ricardel. Wait, she can do that? All this time we've been waiting for Robert Mueller to get rid of Trump when we should have been talking to her. She already doesn't like him.

 

President Trump yesterday expressed his support for prison reform that would reduce certain mandatory minimum sentences. And I have to wonder about his motivation, because he also said that prisons shouldn't have walls and they should serve KFC and they should just be Mar-A-Lago.

 

According to a new study, people living in colder regions are more likely to be heavy drinkers. Said Santa: "Oh crap, it's Dec. 26 … "

 

The Washington Post has published a profile on a Soviet-era intimacy book known as the "Socialist Kama Sutra." The way it works is everybody gets some.

 

A Norwegian cruise liner has announced it will power a fleet of ships using dead fish. That's right: a ship powered by Ted Cruz's handshakes.

 

Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che

Aviation officials report that two Irish pilots claim they saw an unidentified flying object. But keep in mind, "Irish Pilot" is also the highest reading on a breathalyzer.

 

A luxury candy company in Chicago will soon start selling ruby chocolate. And they're also gonna get sued because "Ruby Chocolate" is my drag name.

 

Walt Disney World removed a man from the park after he waved a "Trump 2020" banner on Splash Mountain. The man also demanded to separate the It's a Small World kids from their families. Ironically, the man had snuck into the park through EPCOT's Mexico Pavilion.

 

The annual New York City taxi calendar has been released, featuring pictures of topless cab drivers. While a calendar of Uber drivers is available on the sex offender registry.

 

British police arrested a woman who hid more than $300,000 worth of cocaine inside her daughter's candy. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the daughter is still trick-or-treating.