A Little Late With Lilly Singh

Let's be honest, everyone loves animals! If you don't believe me, think about how "Game of Thrones" had so many major characters getting stabbed to death and the one thing everyone talked about on Monday morning was how Jon Snow didn't say goodbye to his wolf.

 

The more roommates you have, the grosser the fridge gets. There's always one container of takeout that stays in there for months. It's always the worst when I see someone's left their Dragon Palace leftovers in there, and then I remember that Dragon Palace closed in 2015.

 

Posting a comment on YouTube is kind of like the Sorting Hat in "Harry Potter": it shows you who you are inside. Some people find out they're angry trolls -- or worse, a Hufflepuff.

 

Conan

President Trump called the whistleblower "an Obama person who hates Trump" -- in other words, it could be anyone.

 

It's come out that people working in Trump's administration are advised to constantly tweet praise about him. As an American, I find that disgraceful, but as a boss, I get it.

 

In Arkansas, one of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar's 19 children is running for political office. He's running on one issue: birth control.

 

A new study came out and it reveals that most people lie when they meet someone they want to have sex with -- which explains why no woman has never lied to me.

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight, ABC aired "The Little Mermaid Live." The production started off as "Frozen," but thanks to global warming they had to change it to "The Little Mermaid."

 

I want to say congrats to the 50,000 runners who finished yesterday's New York City Marathon. I love the marathon. It's the one day a year when you can rub Vaseline on your nipples in public and not get arrested.

 

Police in Florida are investigating a murder, and they say the key to solving it might be what was overheard by an Amazon Echo. When they asked Alexa for help, she said, "Snitches get stitches."

 

I read that President Trump banished the New York Times and the Washington Post from the White House, but he still has the apps on his phone, which isn't surprising considering he's been married to Melania for almost 20 years and he still has Tinder.

 

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The secretary of state reportedly called a TV guy for advice. This has not happened since Madeline Albright recommended intervening in the Balkan genocide after a high-level summit with Steve Urkel.

 

Many Trump supporters were wearing T-shirts last night that said "read the transcript." We did read the transcript! That's where we learned about Trump pressuring Ukraine! This is like if Jefferey Dahmer got arrested while wearing a shirt that said "check the fridge."

 

Bill Barr refused to publicly defend the president? Something is seriously wrong. That's like Nicholas Cage turning down a movie role!

 

The Late Late Show with James Corden

I'm not from this country, but I always assumed that a congressional subpoena was more powerful than a Facebook invite from your Aunt Linda.

 

While working for Trump, [Sean] Spicer was often accused of going on television and lying to the country, and he continues to do just that by going on "Dancing With the Stars" and referring to himself as a star.

 

The "Duck Dynasty" guys support President Trump, and if this influences how you're going to vote, please wait until you hear who Honey Boo Boo is endorsing, just so you can make an informed decision.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Nothing sums up Eric Trump like misspelling the word "embarrass." How does he misspell a word he's seen on every birthday card since he was five years old?

 

Joe Biden leads [Trump] by 17 points. Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Pete Buttigieg and Kamala Harris all lead Trump, too. As do bedbugs, R. Kelly, slow Wi-Fi, the late Eddie Money, Dr. William Cosby, those whisky pods, Honey Boo Boo, Mama June, a tub of warm coleslaw, dinner parties where you don't know anyone, Matt Damon, and genital herpes.

 

Donald Trump claiming the media doesn't fact-check is like R. Kelly calling Chris Brown a creep.

 

The White House must be an incredibly tense place right now between trying to smoke out the whistleblower and the anonymous writer. It's like a game of Clue, except in this version, Colonel Mustard is in the bedroom with a bucket of chicken.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Yesterday was Daylight Saving Day, which means six months of freaking out every morning when you see the clock on your stove: "Oh my God, I'm late! Oh, right."

 

According to analysts, the number of false news reports about U.S. politicians being shared on Facebook may create a "Titanic-sized disaster" in the 2020 election. Except this time, the berg isn't ice, it's Zucker.

 

President Trump held a campaign rally in Louisiana last night and was joined on stage by cast members of the show "Duck Dynasty." Or, as that's known in Louisiana, fashion week.

 

Weekend Update

I don't blame Trump for moving. He got booed today in New York at the UFC fight. He got booed in D.C. at the World Series. Now he's moving to Florida so he can probably get booed at Disney World. He gets booed everywhere he's ever lived. I mean, even Cosby can still play Philly.

 

You know things are going great when a state is on fire and that's like the third-biggest story of the week. It's being reported now, the most recent wildfire in Southern California is threatening millions of dollars worth of avocados. White women are devastated.

 

Elizabeth Warren released a detailed plan for funding Medicare for all that promises not to raise middle-class taxes by one penny, but instead by several trillion pennies.