A Little Late with Lilly Singh

Almost 90% of [Oscar] nominations have been white. That's right, Oscar is the most tan guy in the room.

 

To all the artists who got snubbed at the Golden Globes, just remember: if people are making memes of your movie, you've already won.

 

Health and wellness cannot be bought no matter what that spa flyer says!

 

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Buckingham Palace has HR? How long has that been around? Because you'd think someone in human resources might have stepped in to tell Henry VIII that chopping off your wife's head could be interpreted as a hostile work environment.

 

"Awkward" is four people in the backseat of a car. "Awkward" is forgetting your friend's child's name. One of your relatives asking you to place your child on the Sherwin-Williams color wheel, is royally [messed] up.

 

Last week the first dog [Major Biden] was reportedly a bit aggressive and, as a result, was sent back to Delaware. Now before you worry, the dog is fine, he wasn't sent to a farm upstate in Delaware because Delaware doesn't have an upstate, it barely even has a state.

 

Chipotle is launching a makeup collection. Great news for anyone who's ever looked at a burrito and thought, "Boy, I wish my face looked like that."

 

A large number of Americans could receive their $1,400 stimulus payments before the end of March. Do you know what that means? There's finally going to be an end of March!

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

In Japan they're about to open the new Super Nintendo World theme park. The park was supposed to open last year, but construction got delayed when the plumbers kept getting high on mushrooms.

 

The past year was just like flying United Airlines: the engine fell off but somehow we still made it.

 

There's a new PSA calling on Americans to get vaccinated, and it features all the living former presidents except Trump. It feels like Trump is going to always be the one diva cast member who won't come back for the reunion.

 

Rangers fans are excited to be at a packed ballpark where they can catch a foul ball, a home run or the South African COVID variant.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

What is it with all the weird terminology in American government? You've got filibusters, nuclear options, vote-a-ramas … all of the legislative procedures start to sound like carnival rides.

 

The Olympics in Tokyo will go ahead as planned this summer but without any foreign spectators in the stands. So now, if you want to hear people chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A!" this summer, you're going to have to go to a restaurant in Texas and watch someone try to eat a 72-ounce steak in under an hour.

 

One in four adults in the United States have now received their first vaccine dose. To put that into pandemic terms: we've just put the sourdough into the proofing basket.

 

The Texas Rangers will become the first major sports team in the United States to play to a full stadium. This is the only baseball game where most of the catching will be done in the stands.

 

Matthew McConaughey said that he might run for Texas governor in 2022. McConaughey doesn't have a lot of experience in politics, although he did serve as a "Lincoln Lawyer."

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

You know things are bad at Buckingham Palace if [Harry and Meghan] came to America to get away from racism. That's like trying to get some peace and quiet at Chuck E. Cheese.

 

At the White House there's been what has been described as a "biting" incident involving President Biden's German shepherd, Major, who allegedly sank his teeth into an unnamed individual. Major has been stripped of his rank – he was dishonorably discharged.

 

Alaska became the first state to offer the vaccine to every resident over the age of 16. The one state where everyone is already socially distant.

 

The House passed the president's $1.9-trillion relief bill. No Republicans voted for the bill — in the House or in the Senate — even though more than 70% of Americans support it. The only other Bill 70% of Americans agree on is Murray.

 

One year ago, the World Health Organization officially declared the coronavirus to be a pandemic, and we've been spraying our bananas with Windex ever since.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Senate on Saturday passed President Biden's $1.9-trillion coronavirus relief package, which includes a $1,400 stimulus cheque. So go out and buy yourself something nice, like November's rent.

 

Billionaire philanthropist MacKenzie Scott has reportedly remarried following her 2019 divorce from Amazon founder Jeff Bezos. And to add insult to injury, the registry is on eBay.

 

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot announced yesterday that the Cubs and the White Sox will be able to fill their stadiums at 20% capacity on opening day. Or as the Mets call that, an attendance record.

 

In response to a reporter's question, Britain's Prince William said that the Royal Family "is very much not a racist family." He then clarified, "We hate all of you. Equally."

 

According to the latest numbers, the world's largest theater chain, AMC Entertainment, lost $4.6 billion in 2020, and experts say it could take up to 10 large popcorns to make it back.