Jimmy Kimmel Live

Can you feel the dragon energy in the air? Kanye West is here tonight. We have many subjects to discuss. We could do two hours on Twitter alone.

 

People keep asking, "Wow -- how did you book Kanye?" and the answer is: we didn't. You don't book Kanye -- when Kanye decides he is booked, he lets you know.

 

Conan

An Arizona mom was arrested after her toddler ate mac and cheese laced with marijuana. The Arizona mom was charged with impersonating a Florida mom.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow night is the premiere of an all-new season of "Bachelor in Paradise." If you meet someone on "Bachelor in Paradise," it's the only situation where you lie and tell people you met on Tinder.

 

I saw that the Amazon Echo will now notify you when it learns the answers to your old questions. Which backfires when you have friends over and Alexa says, "To answer your question: Cialis IS covered by insurance."

 

I heard about a new trend where people are combining drinking beer with working out. Yeah, it's called: Getting Kicked Out of Bally's Total Fitness.

 

I read that due to Trump's trade policies, Yankee Candle might raise its prices. But Americans aren't worried, 'cause we've all been regifting the same Yankee Candle for decades.

 

I heard that Amazon is looking to hire over 200 people for positions where you work from home. Yep, it's all part of Amazon's plan to make sure no one ever leaves their house again.

 

I heard that Donald Trump Jr. called in to a radio show the other day, but when they asked about his Trump Tower meeting with the Russians, his phone suddenly had "technical difficulties." Or, as Vladimir Putin put it, "You're welcome."

 

I saw that the University of Delaware was just named America's No. 1 party school. While America's WORST party school is once again homeschool.

 

Nintendo fans are worried about Mario's brother, Luigi, because in a trailer for a new game, he appears as a ghost. They said 30 years of jumping "groin-first" into a flagpole must've finally caught up to him.

 

I read that SeaWorld is letting 125 employees go. Or, as the animals put it, "Must be nice."

 

A test prep book is making headlines for referring to President Trump as "Ronald Thump." It turns out, "Ronald Thump" is the name Trump used to check into hotels with Stormy Daniels.

 

The shoe company Crocs is closing down all their manufacturing facilities. You could tell the company was in rough shape when the CEO started wearing Crocs.

 

I just read that the oldest living married couple has been married for 80 years. When asked their secret to staying happy, the couple said, "We can't hear each other."

 

President Trump is now on vacation at his New Jersey golf club, and he won't be back in the White House until Aug. 13. He's basically like your coworker who uses up all his vacation days because he knows he's about to get fired.

 

Trump was very busy this weekend. On Saturday night, he spoke at a rally in the auditorium of an Ohio high school. After listening to his speech, the school's English teacher was like, "Be in my office Monday morning."

 

President Trump is still on vacation at his New Jersey golf club, and I saw that tonight he had dinner with a group of CEOs. He didn't want their input -- he wanted to network 'cause he might need a new job soon.

 

That's right, Trump had dinner with over a dozen CEOs, including the chairman of Johnson & Johnson. Trump was like, "I'm a huge fan! Every morning, I shove a Q-Tip all the way in my ear."

 

Pence said the military will start forming the U.S. Space Force by the end of 2018. Then Trump was like, "Consider it my going away present."

 

We finally learned about the Space Force chain-of-command. According to Trump, it'll go, "E.T., Yoda, then Groot."

 

I saw that Rudy Giuliani told CNN the Russia investigation could help Republicans in the midterms because Americans are getting tired of all the drama. Then America was like, "We've had 62 seasons of 'Real Housewives,' we NEVER get tired of drama."

 

I read that some people think all of Giuliani's interviews are meant to distract and confuse people about the real issues. Even Trump was like, "It's working -- I have absolutely NO IDEA what's going on."

 

It just came out that when she worked in the White House, Omarosa secretly recorded Trump on her phone. I don't know what's crazier: the fact that people keep recording the president, or that Omarosa worked in the White House.

 

I read that the White House is thinking about new policies that would make it harder for legal immigrants to become citizens. In response, Melania was like, "Oh c'mon, where was that policy 15 years ago?!"

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Donald Trump's back on the campaign trail, and according to a new article, the president records his rallies on his DVR and watches them afterwards to enjoy the, quote, "evidence of his brilliance." Evidence of Trump being brilliant -- at this point, that's pretty much the only evidence the FBI doesn't have on Trump.

 

A guy here in New York swims in the Hudson River every week to prove that it's clean. If you want to meet him in person, services are being held on 43rd Street at the Sherwood Funeral Home.

 

This week, CNN revealed that Vice-President Mike Pence had a blog during the 1990s where he argued that a president should be impeached for lacking high moral standards. Now, I'm sure Mike Pence will say his opinions have changed since the 1990s, when in reality they haven't changed since the 1790s.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that a majority of Americans say that driverless cars will have a big impact on the elderly. Specifically, if they don't cross the street fast enough.

 

H&M is reportedly struggling to deal with over $4 billion in unsold merchandise. "Just throw it on the floor," said TJ Maxx.