The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

If nobody paid taxes, imagine what the country would be like. America would be flat broke. All right, we'd be more flat broke.

According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the President made so much money that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for president.

An 83-year-old woman from England is calling herself the world’s oldest supermodel. I’m just going to keep calling her by her real name: Madonna.

President Obama talked about the Secret Service prostitution scandal, saying he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in, or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney.

Conan: Conan O'Brien

Mitt Romney has already begun the process of choosing a running mate. Romney wants someone with a different ethnicity who appeals to women, so his first choice is President Obama.

The 116th Boston Marathon was won by a woman from Kenya and a man from Kenya. It was a very exciting race. Both winners narrowly edged out someone from Kenya.

The Megamillions story is getting interesting. The married couple in their 60s who won the Megamillions lottery says they giggled about it for hours -- and by "giggle," they mean "nervously plotted to murder each other."

Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats.

Live: Jimmy Kimmel

The IRS is very into social media now. They have five different Twitter accounts. And while you may not be following them, they are definitely following you. The IRS also has four Facebook pages and zero friends on all of those.

This week is National Volunteer Week. This is the week to do one nice thing so you spend the rest of the year telling everyone about it.

At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you.

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

North Korea launched a rocket, but it broke apart in the air seconds after its launch. Or as Kim Jong Un put it: "That's the last time I buy a rocket from Ikea!"

A TV station in Colorado mistakenly aired porn instead of "Good Morning America." Or as "Good Morning America" put it: "Hey, we finally beat 'The Today Show!' "

It’s the launch of pro Ultimate Frisbee, starting with the Rhode Island Rampage playing the Connecticut Constitution ... and ending with Walmart’s manager telling them to leave the parking lot.

I read that Virgin America is launching its own TV channel. Not to be confused with that other virgin channel, the Syfy network.

Saturday Night Live Weekend Update: Seth Meyers

A new survey shows that the average American family expects to spend $1,078 this year on prom, which is up more than $200 from last year. And that doesn't even include the cost of raising the baby!

Producers have announced plans to make an animated movie about Yvonne, a German cow who escaped a slaughterhouse last year and evaded capture for three months. The movie will be titled "Ze Cow Who Did Not Follow Instructions!"

A man in Connecticut was arrested after his five-year-old son brought dozens of bags of heroin he found in their home to his kindergarten show-and-tell. But no one was more upset than the kid who had to follow that.

A new exhibit in Pennsylvania focuses on the 12 dogs that died on the Titanic. So round up the kids and head on over to the Philadelphia Museum of Bummers!

A rooster in Tennessee has become famous for walking past a fried-chicken restaurant every day. Though it's a little sad because he always walks by yelling, "Linda? Where are you, Linda?"

Pizza Hut is introducing a new pizza with hotdogs baked into the crust. It's called the "Rock-Bottom Supreme." And, conveniently, the box doubles as a suicide note.

An inventor has created a new alarm clock that does not have a snooze button and will allow the alarm to be turned off by entering the date in a keypad in a separate room. Because who doesn't like to start the day by running through the house screaming, "What day is it?"?