The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The [Academy Award] speeches were a little different this year, too, because the winners were given no time limits, which was nice, you know? It eliminated the normal frenzied listing of people to thank and allowed winners like Daniel Kaluuya to speak from his heart — about his parents' loins.

I get that people in the industry want theatres to reopen, but — counterpoint — this weekend I watched "Mortal Kombat" exactly as it was meant to be seen: on my couch, in my underwear, while holding a half-eaten Taco Bell Quesalupa and yelling, "FINISH HIM!"

Because of social distancing, the audience [at President Biden's address] was way smaller. The number of attendees — usually 1,600 — was pared down to only 200. Still, 200 people is more than watched the Oscars.

It was truly moving to finally see two women [Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Vice-President Kamala Harris] presiding over the joint session. ... Truly an historic evening and a demonstration of the promise of America. To quote the founding fathers, Kool and the Gang, "Oh, it's ladies' night. Oh, what a night!"

A Little Late with Lilly Singh

Unlike COVID, we can't make a vaccine to stop domestic violence or sex trafficking. And even if we did have a vaccine, your aunt would jump on to Facebook and say, "Don't take the vaccine, no, it's actually just the Geico gecko mind-controlling you and infusing your brain with car insurance quotes."

I didn't know about [the #SignalForHelp campaign] until just recently. How is this type of information not going viral? I mean, it's at least as empowering as the Buss It Challenge on TikTok.

Imagine our ancestors that spent the whole day hunting and gathering ... just so they could eat, and here I am getting groceries delivered to me fresh just so they can sit in my fridge and get moldy after two days. Ah! The privilege.

A ton of new tech has serious issues when it comes to gender, ethnicity, ableism, class, age, appearance ... even [automated] soap dispensers treat darker skin differently. Um, excuse me? How did we manage to make airport bathrooms just as racist as airport security?

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight, President Biden delivered his first joint address to Congress on the eve of his 100th day in office. The last time someone in their 70s got that much applause they were doing "Da Butt."

[The joint address] was a fun night for Democrats. On the other hand, Republicans didn't seem too thrilled. They looked like they just heard their best hope in 2024 was Randy Quaid.

A big part of [Biden's American Families Plan] includes free universal preschool. I think that's pretty good considering sending your kid to preschool now is just handing them an iPad.

The Oscars were really different [this year]. For starters, the show was held at a train station in Los Angeles, because if there's one thing you think of when you think of L.A., it's trains.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

"Nomadland" won Best Picture, Best Director and Best Actress — phenomenal film! ... It's my favorite film that I watched of all those that were nominated, but I do think we all know that "Nomadland" only got lucky because "Mortal Kombat" wasn't eligible this year.

The CDC released a color-coded graphic that clarifies exactly what is and isn't safe right now. It lists various activities and the corresponding safety level for both vaccinated and unvaccinated people ... because what better way to get people to remember something than a 14-row, three-column, color-coded document with loads of text?

It's official: [Gavin] Newsom will face a recall vote later this year. ... Pretty tough to be subjected to a recall vote as governor, but it's just like they say, you know? You win some, you Newsom.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

DMX topped everything with what has to be the single greatest funeral procession — of all time. ... Instead of a hearse, they transported his coffin on a monster truck. Is that not incredible? This is what they should have done for Prince Philip over in England.

Speaking of elaborate funerals — did you watch the Oscars last night? Not that many people did. The ratings for the Oscars plummeted from 23 million last year to less than 10 million this year. How can something so woke put so many people to sleep?

These are nominated movies Trump would have probably enjoyed: “The Father (Who Never Showed Me Affection)” ... "Promising Young Woman (130 Grand to Keep Her Mouth Shut)” ... and "(Grab Her By the) Octopus Teacher."

Late Night with Seth Meyers

Vice-President Kamala Harris met virtually today with the president of Guatemala. Incidentally, "Guatemala" is what Fox News insists her first name is.

Advocates for D.C. statehood protested last week outside of Sen. Joe Manchin's houseboat. Because, after all, if a boat can be a house, then D.C. can be a state.

Residents of a Texas town last week reported seeing a tornado and a rainbow appear at the same time. Unfortunately, no one could follow up with any of the residents because they were immediately raptured.