Talk

Late Laughs for the week of May 2 - 8, 2021

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A Little Late with Lilly Singh

I imagine by this point you have seen the very popular new music video by Lil Nas X titled "MONTERO," and if you have not, you’ve probably been living under a very large rock in which case I hope you’re near a phone so you can call for help.

 

The American legal system must do yoga — it’s flexible!

 

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Spring has sprung and the Easter Bunny has left his baskets of his unfertilized chocolate children just like Jesus commanded.

 

Major League Baseball announced they are moving the all-star game out of Georgia. It’s a dramatic story that moves baseball dangerously close to being newsworthy.

 

Joe Biden is rolling out his $2.3-trillion infrastructure plan. It’s not going to be easy — America’s a bit of a fixer-upper at this point. Joe’s going to have to go full HGTV. Thankfully, the Midwest is already open-concept, and no matter what, it’ll be better than the previous guy’s plan: "Love It or List Puerto Rico."

 

Restaurants are having a hard time stocking ketchup packets. The big-time player here is Heinz, which makes up a staggering 70% of the ketchup market and wasn’t prepared for the pandemic. But you know what they say, "Heinz-sight is 20:20."

 

The U.K. variant is now the dominant coronavirus strain in the U.S., making it the most sickening British import since Piers Morgan.

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

President Biden says he wants states to open up vaccines to all adults by April 19, nearly two weeks sooner than his initial goal. Or as Biden calls it, "Early bird special."

 

I read that 40% of adults in the U.S. have been vaccinated, so now when you see someone without a mask, it’s a fun game of "vaccinated or idiot?"

 

The Texas Rangers had a full crowd of more than 38,000 people for their home opener. When they walked in, all the fans got a Dr. Fauci bobblehead that only shook its head "no."

 

Some people said requiring a vaccine passport to fly was an invasion of privacy; then they took off their shoes, showed everyone their laptop and got patted down by a stranger.

 

The Late Late Show with James Corden

More than 500 million Facebook users have had their personal information leaked online. But MySpace, still locked up like Fort Knox, don’t you worry.

 

"Exploring" is not a verb I trust. If you’re "exploring" an open relationship, congratulations, you’re already single.

 

San Diego said they may allow teachers to bring their own children into class. It’s all part of the ongoing "Bring your child to work year."

 

Former vice-president Mike Pence has just signed a two-book deal with Simon & Schuster: "Plain White Square" is both the design and [the] title of the book.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Yesterday was Easter. We mixed it up this year. Instead of Easter eggs, we had the kids go on the CVS website and hunt for the vaccine.

 

[The Department of Health and Human Services] is hosting a competition called the Mask Innovation Challenge. You can enter your mask ideas or design and the winners get to split a cash prize of $400,000. They’ve basically turned the government into an episode of "Project Runway."

 

I like that adult men will go to a baseball stadium and wear a glove the whole game for the one in 98,000 chance they might catch a foul ball. But a mask? No way! Out of the question!

 

Five states account for nearly half of the new COVID infections: New York, New Jersey, Michigan, Pennsylvania and Florida. What were the chances it wouldn't be Florida? Florida’s whole economy is based on strangers drinking jungle juice and grinding on each other.

 

Late Night with Seth Meyers

Officials in China recently closed the country's first sex doll hotel and released a statement attributing the move to reasons "not convenient to explain." And I think I speak for everyone when I say I'll make the time for this one.

 

Organizers of the annual Hash Bash marijuana rally in Ann Arbor, Michigan, announced that the event will be held virtually this year. Which is risky because once everyone realizes they can do it from their couch, they'll never go back.

 

It was announced yesterday that Regal Theaters will begin reopening and will show the new movie "Godzilla vs. Kong." And I gotta say, I didn't realize until just now how much I missed walking out of movies.

 

Ahead of [the] virtual summit between the prime minister of Ireland and President Biden, the Irish government sent the White House a traditional bowl of shamrocks. And we sent them the traditional American gift: a bouquet of Tomahawk cruise missiles.