Live: Jimmy Kimmel

They estimate that a billion people participated in Earth Day activities. Then they all went back to driving their SUVs to the gym. For the record, I'm very much against global warming. But I'm also very much against doing anything about it.

We had a big police chase here in L.A. It went on for more than two hours. If you live here, a police chase is kind of a nice way to see your old neighborhoods.

The E! network has announced they have reached a deal with the Kardashian family to bring us three more seasons of their reality show. If you haven't been keeping up with them, I will bring you up to speed: they went shopping.

The deal will pay the Kardashian family $40 million. It's the biggest contract in the history of reality television! It's getting harder and harder to explain to your kids why it's a bad idea to make a sex tape!

The escort claims the Secret Service agents said they did not remember agreeing to pay $800 because they were drunk the night before and she refused to leave the room until she got paid. Eventually they settled for $225. These are the guys we should put in charge of negotiating our foreign debt!

Conan: Conan O'Brien

President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn't work, Obama's going to resort to his second proposal: "Free pizza in my room."

Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards?

Yesterday was Earth Day, and apparently today is Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day.

Burger King announced that all their chickens and pigs will all be raised cage free. In response, chickens and pigs said, "That's cool. Now let's talk about the part where we get turned into sandwiches."

For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming into it. Not because of our economy -- because they're sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food.

Pizza Hut has introduced a new pizza that contains multiple cheeseburgers stuffed within the crust. It's the first pizza that comes with your choice of soda or an intervention.

That Secret Service sex scandal keeps growing. Here's the latest: Three of the Secret Service agents involved in the sex and cocaine scandal are now leaving the agency. On the bright side, they're going to have one hell of a going-away party!

Japanese researchers have successfully grown hair on a bald mouse. The researchers are ecstatic, and the mouse is relieved he doesn't have to keep wearing that stupid toupée.

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

Lakers player Metta World Peace is still being criticized for the vicious elbow he threw over the weekend. I haven't seen an NBA player take an elbow like that since Kris Humphries got between Kim Kardashian and a camera.

Newt Gingrich's campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he's no longer attacking the poor --  because he is one.

Not one person was murdered in El Salvador last Saturday in what was the first homicide-free day in nearly three years. The bad news: 50 people got killed during the celebration.

The Late Show: David Letterman

I'm enjoying this Secret Service scandal. It turned out to be a frisking that got out of control. One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I'm thinking, now wait a minute -- I've got no problem with a guy trying to save tax-payer dollars.

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

Tonight on the show we have the president of the United States, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people weren't able to get tickets. That includes students, professors and Joe Biden.

We also have Dave Matthews performing tonight. He wasn't originally the musical guest, but we had a last-minute cancelation by the Tupac hologram.

We had the President of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did "Slow Jam the News," he gave a long interview... at one point, I was like, "Dude, don't you have a country to run?”