The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

The reality is Earth contains only so much fossil fuel. So the solution is obvious: if oil comes from fossils, then we should genetically engineer more dinosaurs. What could possibly go wrong?

I think we're going to be seeing more hybrid cars. The Prius is known as a hybrid because it can run on either electricity or the smugness of the owner.

It was revealed that Lady Gaga has a role in the movie "Men in Black 3." She's a creepy alien who can only breathe through her tentacles -- I don't know what she is playing in the movie.

Conan: Conan O'Brien

In a recent poll, California was voted the least popular state in the U.S. But don't worry, we are still the most popular state in Mexico.

According to the latest figures, Adele's newest album is being downloaded on average every seven seconds. This is due to the fact that every seven seconds, someone is getting dumped.

Bill Clinton has been named a nominee for this year's Nobel Peace Prize. This will be his first trip to Sweden that he can actually tell Hillary about.

The CEO of Pizza Hut said that when he was in college, he used to bring his dates to Pizza Hut. When asked where he brought them on the second date, he said there were no second dates.

Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is historic: it's the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.

 
The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I'm sorry, our strategic oil reserves.

 
The Late Show: David Letterman

Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind.

I love the Academy Awards. The show lasted four and a half hours -- and they have the nerve to give out an award for editing?!

The actor who won Best Actor speaks no English and says he loves America. And I'm thinking: "Whoa! We might have a new governor for California!"

 
Live: Jimmy Kimmel

There's an event being held in New York over the weekend by a group that's working to get yoga as an Olympic sport. NBC is pulling out all the stops to get us to not watch the Olympics, aren't they? If football isn't an Olympic sport, why would they include the thing my mom does on Tuesday mornings?!

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series, is set to publish her first novel for adults. You can tell the book is for adults from its title: "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Activia."

A new survey found that the tooth fairy left about 42 cents less in 2011 than it did the year before. When kids lose teeth now, they're, like: "Ehh, I'm gonna hold onto this until the market improves."

A company in the U.K. is selling a new device that lets you know if you're driving badly. It's called a windshield.

There was apparently an electrical fire at Fenway Park, home of the Boston Red Sox. It was weird: instead of calling 9-1-1, Boston fans just heckled the fire until it left.

Researchers in Japan are working on a new drug that could treat gambling addiction. But I'll bet you 2-to-1 it doesn't work.

A collection of rare comic books is expected to go for $2 million at an auction this week. Yeah, the comics are in great condition 'cause they've never been touched -- just like the guy who owns them.

Security at Disney's California Adventure Park pepper-sprayed a drunk man. But this is cool: the park offered to sell him a photo of his reaction for just 30 bucks.

Mitt Romney accused the other GOP candidates of pandering to voters to get support. Romney was, like: "I would never pander to voters. I mean, unless you guys want me to."

A new report found that Hawaii has the best quality of life of any state in the U.S. You know, just in case you thought it sucked living in Hawaii!