The Late Show: David Letterman

Spring training has started. Baseball is right around the corner. Pitchers and catchers reported yesterday, infielders today, and tomorrow Hollywood girlfriends report.

The Yankees now have a new fragrance. It was just bound to happen because any time you walk into the clubhouse, you say, "Oh wow, if someone could just bottle this ... "

Conan: Conan O'Brien

It's been reported that Mitt Romney's campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they're earning it. So, hey, it turns out he is just like us after all!

Political analysts say the key voting block could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control, but apparently not correctly.

Home Depot is reporting record profits. Home Depot said they'd like to share the profits with their employees, but even they can't find them.

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

You can tell gas prices are going up in California -- Prius owners are getting that smug look again.

Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing ...

Italian authorities seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. Treasury bonds. Pretty good counterfeit job, too -- they look just like the genuine worthless Treasury bonds.

Taco Bell plans to start selling tacos made out of nacho-cheese Doritos. Their goal is to create Mexican food that's totally unrecognizable to the Mexican people.

Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available some time this year. Test-tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds!

Researchers say that technology could be available soon to allow people to live to be 150 years old. To which Larry King's wife said, "No!"

The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

The tallest president was Abraham Lincoln at 6 foot 4. I think four of those feet were hat.

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion, he crashed it.

CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday's debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table -- which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu.

A new survey found that most hairdressers don't like listening to their clients' stories. On behalf of clients, I'd just like to tell hairdressers, "Ditto."

A man in China discovered a new kind of fish that looks like it has wings and legs. The discovery has led to questions from biologists, and a bidding war between KFC and Red Lobster.

A new study found that 16 per cent of Americans under the age of 24 don't have a job. There's even a name for that group: art-history majors.

Tomorrow night is the 20th Republican debate, which explains that new campaign slogan, "Vote Mitt Romney ... or else we'll keep doing this."

A man in Ireland was arrested with more than 500 pounds of marijuana. So I guess there is a little pot at the end of the rainbow.

Saturday Night Live Weekend Update: Seth Meyers

The commander of the International Space Station on Wednesday shook hands with Robonaut, which NASA officials are calling the first ever handshake between a human and a robot in space -- and which robots are ominously calling "Phase 1."

A new study shows that a record high one in 12 marriages in the U.S. are interracial. The study went on to say, "But hey, it's none of my business!"

New research suggests that men who are "too nice" on Valentine's Day and buy their women too many gifts make the women suspect that the men are cheating. So your instincts were right: you can't win!

Some linguistics experts have noted that the hit British series "Downton Abbey" -- which is set in the 1920s -- has incorrectly used phrases that would not have been popular until much later, including "step on it," "push comes to shove" and, most glaring of all, "You should totally tweet that."