Late Night With Seth Meyers

The State Department said that the downed Chinese spy balloons were carrying surveillance equipment capable of intercepting communications — they needed some way of spying on people who still hadn't downloaded Tik Tok.

An owl was recently removed from a college library in Georgia. And this is annoying: now it's saying "Whom."

Buckingham Palace yesterday [Feb. 13] announced that Queen Camilla tested positive for the coronavirus. Luckily, as a royal, she was already planning on doing nothing for the next two weeks.

The maker of the robot vacuum cleaner Roomba announced yesterday [ Feb. 13] that the company would lay off roughly 7% of its workforce. And since it was Roomba, it took everyone 45 minutes to find the door.

Senator Ted Cruz told reporters yesterday [Feb. 15] that he plans to run for a third time. Cruz said he discussed it with his family and they insisted.

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

After his surprise visit to Kyiv yesterday, today [Feb. 21] Joe Biden was in Poland, where he gave a fiery speech defending democracy to mark the one-year anniversary of Putin's invasion of Ukraine. Of course, the traditional gift for the first anniversary is paper, so Biden gave Ukraine 460 million $1 bills.

Today [Feb. 21], Putin hit back at the West in Russia's state of the union speech. Now, Russia's state of the union speech is a lot like our state of the union speech, except the special guests in the balcony plunge to their deaths. ... Putin clapped back at the West by announcing that Russia will suspend its participation in the New START nuclear arms control treaty. However, the U.S. State Department had already determined that Russia was not complying with that treaty. So, now they're going to officially begin to stop doing what they've previously only been pretending not to do.

Big dairy has been lobbying the FDA to prevent makers of non-dairy milks from calling it milk. Well, now [Feb. 22] the FDA has issued guidance that says plant-based beverages that bill themselves as milk can officially keep using the name. That is a huge win for non-dairy milks, especially all those almonds they keep artificially pregnant.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

In Washington, the Conservative Political Action Conference or CPAC kicked off — it's basically Coachella for people who post on Facebook in all caps.

I heard that this year, top Republicans like Ron DeSantis and Mitch McConnell aren't attending CPAC. It's being held in D.C. at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center — and now we know Mike Pence won't be there, either. ... After each speech, there will be a QAnon... uh, sorry, a Q & A.

Apparently King Charles is evicting Harry and Meghan from their royal residence in the U.K. It's a tough break for Harry and Meghan. Nothing hurts more than getting evicted three years after you move out.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

We have a new existential threat, which is Canadian Super Pigs. Have you heard about this? What they now call the Super Pig was born in the '80s when pig farmers bred a domestic pig with a wild boar. ... These pigs can weigh close to 700 pounds. Of course, they've escaped from captivity and they're now wreaking havoc on everything in their path and they're headed towards the United States, and the only way they can be stopped is by Guy Fieri with a tanker full of Donkey Sauce. 

[Donald Trump] Junior was on the road with Daddy in East Palestine, Ohio, today [Feb. 22]. He thought they were going to negotiate peace with Israel, but I guess that's Jared's job. The Dons were where the train carrying the toxic chemicals derailed a few weeks ago. The right-wingers have been attacking Biden for going to Ukraine instead of going to Ohio, and while on the scene, MAGA Teresa bragged about a number of things, including a shipment of water he brought for them.

Over the weekend, text messages were released between some of their [Fox News] on-air hosts that revealed in print that they knew they were lying to their viewers about Trump's imaginary election fraud, and whenever they get cornered, they turn to an old friend to distract: artificial outrage. First, it was the Green M&M, then it was the gender-neutral Mr. Potato Head, and now the latest threat to America is disabled-friendly Legos. ... I have some Fox News for you: you're embarrassing yourselves.

Today [Feb. 24] marks the one-year anniversary of Vladimir Putin's unjustified invasion of Ukraine. The United Nations approved a resolution calling for Russia to withdraw their troops. That should do it! If I know anything about history, I know that the best way to thwart an evil dictator is with a strongly worded letter. It's hard to believe that this war has been going on for a year now. It's even harder to believe it's been only three months since the Kremlin had to deny that Vladimir Putin fell down the stairs and pooped himself.