The Late Show With Stephen Colbert (repeat)

Trump announced that he was going to halt the joint military exercises with South Korea and the U.S., but that came as a shock to our close allies, South Korea and the U.S. In fact, a spokesperson for South Korea said, "At this moment, the meaning and intention of President Trump's remarks requires more clear understanding." Which is Korean for "Whaaaa!?"

 

Conan

In Florida, an 87-year-old man has donated 100 gallons of blood throughout his lifetime. And the weird thing is, only half of it is his.

 

DEA officials have seized 500 pounds of meth concealed inside Disney figurines. Which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth.

 

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon

I read about a woman in Washington, D.C., who found a dead lizard in her bag of Trader Joe's kale. When people heard that, they were like, "Gross! Kale?!"

 

Police in Argentina are in trouble for losing over 1,000 pounds of marijuana and then saying the weed was eaten by mice. Meanwhile, there's totally a mouse out there like, "I need cheese, brah!"

 

I heard about an 80-year-old man in Arizona who's on trial for robbing a bank. Apparently, he slipped the teller a note that said, "Do YOU know why I came in here?"

 

A student at Central Michigan University performed CPR on a squirrel that was found drowning in a campus pool. Even more strange, as she was doing CPR, the squirrel was winking at his friends.

 

I read about an Australian couple that put a GoPro on their dog instead of hiring a wedding photographer. And in the end, he got great shots of everybody's crotch.

 

Tinder is letting people use a two-second video instead of a picture. So if you thought looking at photos of random people smiling was creepy, just wait until you see them hold that smile for a whole two seconds.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden (repeat)

The workout company CrossFit is now getting into the meal delivery business. But their meal kit is getting mixed reviews because, well, it isn't really a meal, it's nothing but 10 pounds of raw meat. And you thought your dog chased the mailman before. It's just giant slabs of meat all packed together. Oh, wait, that's a CrossFit class, sorry.

 

Last night was the ABC News interview with former FBI director James Comey where he promoted his new book. But before the interview, Trump got on Twitter yesterday morning and called Comey a liar and attacked his reputation. So, congratulations to Donald Trump for sending Comey's book straight to No. 1.

 

Yesterday, the FBI raided the office of Donald Trump's lawyer, looking for evidence of hush money paid to Stormy Daniels and other women. President Trump responded on Twitter, declaring, "Attorney-client privilege is dead!" For those of you who don't know, "Attorney-client privilege" is when guilty people are able to talk freely to their lawyers about how incredibly guilty they are.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live (repeat)

Even if you don't follow soccer, the World Cup is a chance to see some of the greatest athletes on the planet fall down and grab their shins for no reason over and over again.

 

Today is National Selfie Say. Finally, a day to take selfies. National Selfie Day, of course, marks the beginning of the high holy days for the Kardashian family, along with the Feast of Saint Botox and Lip-Gloss Hashanah.

 

The first day of summer, the summer solstice as they call it, is the longest day of the year. Every day since Donald Trump was elected is the longest day of the year.

 

Here in California, there will be a literally divisive measure on the ballot in November that, if it passes, would separate our state into three different parts. It's called the Cal-3 plan. It would divide California into three parts. I think the three are the part that smokes weed, the part that smokes meat, and the part that smokes meth.

 

AT&T executives said they need to get into content creation and distribution in order to survive against technology companies like Amazon and Netflix. Another way to survive would be to fix your cellphone service, you know.

 

Seventy-two years ago today, in the borough of Queens, in the state of New York, a pumpkin got trapped in a tanning bed. And Donald J. Trump was born.

 

The attorney general says Trump's kids were collecting money despite doing no discernible work for it -- which, in fairness to them, that's what they do. That's their job. They collect money in exchange for being born.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers (repeat)

Nordstrom is launching a new home and wellness collection that features a marijuana-scented candle. You can use it to cover up the smell when you get stoned on vanilla.

 

Billy Joel will host the re-election fundraiser for New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo next month, with tickets starting at $5,000. That's ridiculous. If you want to spend $5,000 to see Billy Joel, just pay his bail after a DUI.

 

According to a new report, legal marijuana sales in Colorado have seen a plateau in growth. Apparently, people are still going to the marijuana stores, but they can't remember why they went in.

 

New York's State Assembly is considering a new bill that would legalize alcoholic ice cream. "That's great news," said a five-year-old having a rough day. "Just a little something to take the edge off, Ma."

 

Authorities in Florida are searching for two men who left an injured alligator at a convenience store. Said the alligator, "No, no, it's cool. They said they'd see me later."

 

NBA Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman arrived in Singapore today ahead of President Trump's summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. So at least if Kim launches a nuclear missile, Rodman will be there to grab the rebound.

 

The Broadway show "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child" won best play at last night's Tony Awards -- while the worst play was still that one by J. R. Smith.