The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

Ryan Gosling was named "coolest person of the year" by Time magazine. Because when the kids want to know what's cool, they put down their Internets and their smartphones and pick up Time magazine.

In ancient mythology, spiders were depicted as symbols of patience because they spend all that time weaving their web. Then they wait until unsuspecting prey stumbles into it and it's all over within a matter of minutes. Nowadays, we call that "a Kardashian marriage."

A movie called "The Artist" got six nominations. It's a silent movie where people's mouths move but nothing comes out ... kind of like Rick Perry at a debate.

Mitt Romney said Newt Gingrich was too "zany" to be president. Newt Gingrich responded by tossing confetti in the air, squeezing a car horn, and then spraying seltzer at Mitt Romney.

Conan: Conan O'Brien

It's being reported that the new meth capital of America is Missouri. Missouri unseated last year's meth capital of America -- the set of "Two and a Half Men."

In Florida, a woman got a new kidney after posting an ad on Craigslist. And the weird thing is she was only looking for a used futon.

On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said: "I am also not a fan of gay milk."

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il died. They have not named his successor yet, but the rumour is that it will be Ryan Seacrest. 

Kim Jong-Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggered it, but apparently he had a lot of money riding on the Denver Broncos.

It was leaked that Tiger Woods' divorce settlement ended up netting his wife almost $100 million. The news was leaked to the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times and Kobe Bryant's wife.

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

The National Transportation Safety Board called for an all-out ban on cellphone use while driving. Headsets, Bluetooth, everything would be banned. I read it on my iPhone as I was driving into work this morning.

According to a new CBS poll, 33 pe rcent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress

USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning.

President Obama now says he didn't know how bad the economy was when he took office. And if it doesn't improve soon, that's what the next president is going to be saying.

You know, Barbie is actually called different things in different parts of the world. In Beverly Hills, a Barbie is called "stepmom."

The Late Show: David Letterman

The war in Iraq is over. It lasted nine years. Let me give you an idea of how long that is: that's 46 Kardashian marriages.

They say the Golden Globes predict the Academy Awards. And I thought, yes, in one sense they do predict that, because it's going to be long and boring.

Saturday Night Live Weekend Update: Seth Meyers

Mitt Romney, who was falling in the polls on Wednesday, began attacking frontrunner Newt Gingrich by calling him "zany." "Oh snap!" said the voice in Mitt Romney's head.

According to a new Census report, nearly one out of every two Americans have fallen below the poverty line, which is the invisible line that separates Target from Walmart.

It was reported that Sarah Palin has been trying to pitch a new reality series about her husband Todd and his snowmobile racing, but no networks have expressed any interest. Which is a huge burn to Palin because there's a whole show that is literally just about shopping with coupons.

One of the hottest books in China is called "Wolf Dad" which highlights a man's methods of beating his children so that they'll get into a good college. You know, like wolves do! 

According to a new report, the average age of when people marry has risen, with most women getting married at 26 and most men getting married at 29, 37 and 54.