Saturday Night Live Weekend Update: Seth Meyers

A man in Alaska, whose truck became stranded in a snowdrift for three days, survived by eating frozen beer in his truck. The man says it worked so well he never even had to unwrap his sandwich.

New research suggests that humans have reached the limit of their mental evolution and are not likely to ever develop a "supermind". "Yay!" said everyone who works at the E! network.

An experiment for the Discovery show "MythBusters" went awry Tuesday, when a cannonball missed its target and caused damage in a nearby neighborhood. Still, they did bust that old myth about the suburbs being safe from cannon fire.

A new fat-rich diet that has become extremely popular in Norway is being blamed for depleting the country's stocks of butter. Thanks in no small part to Norway's celebrity chef, Paula Deen-flurgen.

Because of new cost-cutting measures, school children in a town in Spain have been told to limit their use of toilet paper to 82 feet a month. That is outrageous! Or totally acceptable; I have no idea how much toilet paper that is.

Conan: Conan O'Brien

An executive from the E! Network has stated that there could be as many as four new Kardashian spin-off shows. He then added ..."unless our demands are met!"

Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that.

The gay penguins from a Toronto zoo have permanently broken up after one successfully mated with a female. Scientists are calling it an important step for the survival of the species, while the penguin's ex-boyfriend is calling it "a phase."

A new study just came out and showed that alcohol use among teens is down but marijuana use is up. The president of Budweiser said the results were "very alarming"; the CEO of Doritos said they were "freaking awesome!"

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

A global study released just today found that happiness does not increase with the rate of economic growth. To which President Obama said, "See? That's what I've been trying to tell people."

While speaking to a prominent group of Jewish Republicans, Newt Gingrich promised to support Israel, not give in to the Palestinians, and even promised his next wife would be Jewish.

Rick Perry said there were eight Supreme Court justices instead of nine. But in his defence, he did know there were only three judges on "Dancing With the Stars."

Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, "Oh, my God, they captured Joe Biden?"

In Hawaii, someone stole Lindsay Lohan's purse with $10,000 in it. This was the second time the purse was stolen -- if you count the first time Lindsay grabbed it.

Donald Trump says he may run for President as an independent. Pundits say it's a longshot, but he is known for performing miracles: he had a hit show on NBC.

The Late Show: David Letterman

Lindsay Lohan had her purse stolen. She's missing cash, passports and three stolen necklaces.

Live: Jimmy Kimmel

Sources are reporting that Ryan Seacrest is being considered as a replacement for Matt Lauer. Earlier this month, he was informed there was a show on TV that he doesn't host, and he became very angry.

Gary Busey said it's not that he doesn't like Newt Gingrich, but it was too soon for him to endorse anyone. He said as soon as a president is elected, he will let us know who he intends to vote for.

The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

Pippa Middleton made the list of Barbara Walters' Most Fascinating People. Who could be more fascinating than someone who's the sister of someone who married someone who's famous for just being born?

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

A man in Russia is filing for divorce, claiming that he doesn't remember ever getting married. It's like the wedding never happened, which explains his name: Vladimir Kardashian.

You can tell times are tough at Nickelodeon. In fact, today I saw Dora exploring the classifieds.

A woman in Oklahoma was arrested for making meth inside a Wal-Mart. Or as Wal-Mart put it: "Told you we had everything!"

The number of KFCs in China is expected to double by the year 2020. First they have General Tso, now Colonel Sanders... all they need is Cap'n Crunch, and it'll be like G.I. Joe for fat people!