Live: Jimmy Kimmel

Riot police arrested hundreds of people outside city hall. Still less violent than Black Friday at every Walmart in America!

"Sesame Street" went on the air in Afghanistan. Let this be a warning to nations around the world: engage in a war with us and we will invade your country and provide you with quality children's programming.

Conan: Conan O'Brien

President Obama went shopping, and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, "When I'm president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores." 

Facebook announced that they are developing a phone. In a related story, MySpace announced that they are developing a fax machine.

A man from Mexico is in trouble for helping to build a tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego with electricity, ventilation and railcars. The man is being charged with bringing illegals into the country and bringing public transport dangerously close to Los Angeles.

A new study just came out and it disproved the old idea that men think of sex every 7 seconds. Instead, it says that men only think of sex once every 50 minutes. The study was conducted during a taping of "The View."

This is a crazy story: In Greenwich, Conn., three wealthy investors who were already worth millions won the $254-million Power Ball jackpot. In a related story, everyone's head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded.

Toyota has unveiled a new state-of-the-art design for a car of the future. The car is so advanced that when it's recalled, it can actually drive itself back to the Toyota dealer.

The Occupy L.A. protesters have been evicted. They all were evicted and all that was left of their campsite was trash, empty tents and the smell of urine. Then someone pointed out that was not Occupy Los Angeles, that was Gary Busey's house.

The Kardashian sisters are among "Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People in 2011." This is the first time that Barbara Walters has done a sarcastic prime-time special. 

In Utah, a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, "Sorry, but you did neuter me."

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

This is what I love about America. In the Middle East, they take the revolution into the streets. They topple governments. They liberate the oppressors. We riot for a $2 waffle iron. 

A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress.

Vice-President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq. It was a really big surprise, especially to Biden -- Obama told him he was going to Cleveland!

The NFL today suspended Detroit Lions defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh for two games. He repeatedly slammed the head of a Green Bay Packer player into the turf and then stomped on the guy's arm. See, in the NFL, that gets you a two-game suspension. At Walmart, it gets you a $2 waffle iron.

Congratulations to J.R. Martinez, he won "Dancing With the Stars." You know who really impressed me? Rob Kardashian. He lasted three months with the same partner -- that is a Kardashian record!

What's the difference between Herman Cain and Dr. Conrad Murray? Conrad Murray will get to serve a full four-year term.

The USDA has fined the Ringling Brothers Circus nearly $300,000 for mistreating the animals. But what about the clowns -- anybody thought of them? Shoving 20 of them in that little car... getting shot out of a cannon every 20 minutes? That's not fair!

Facebook could be going public, sparking one of the largest initial public offerings ever, which will value the company at over $100 billion. And MySpace also has some exciting news. They too are hoping to boost profits by having a bake sale this weekend which could bring in as much as $35.

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a book store. Barack bought Malia "The Phantom Tollbooth," while Malia bought Barack "Economics for Dummies." That's right, Obama bought eight books for Sasha and Malia. Yeah, I was reading all about it on China's credit card statement.

 I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named "Jihad." Or as the TSA put it, "Hope you like Amtrak!"

A man in Georgia was arrested for burglary after he left his Facebook account open on the victim's computer. But this is nice: He's only been in jail a few hours, and his status already says "In a Relationship!"

I heard that Facebook is in talks to launch an online gambling app next year. It's a little weird. When you lose all your money, Facebook just repossesses your land on Farmville.