A Little Late With Lilly Singh

I'm not a fan of the New Year's kiss, mostly because I usually spend New Year's with my family, and I'm not trying to be Cersei Lannister.

I don't need to explain to anyone why, historically, the tradition of beauty pageants is problematic. Women's looks were judged more than their accomplishments, and the only place with more creepy old men hanging around was Jeffrey Epstein's private plane.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I saw that for 2020, a lot of people are making the resolution to drink more water. That's why, for the last [few] days, college kids have woken up next to a pile of empty Coors Lights.

According to a new poll, Republican's top choices for president in 2024 include Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr. Meanwhile, Eric just got his tongue unstuck from a pole he licked at Christmas.

Tonight was the season premiere of "The Bachelor." The new bachelor is Peter, and he's actually a pilot for Delta. When he was sitting by the fire on a date, and the girl asked for a blanket, he was like, "That'll be $9."

Trump is busy. Earlier today, at the White House, he met with the leader of Greece. Trump was confused because he thought the leader of Greece was John Travolta.

Iran fired 22 missiles at two American military bases in Iraq. One soldier said he hadn't seen a bomb that big since the movie "Cats."

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

While the Middle East is getting all the headlines, there are also some smaller, quirky little headlines you may have missed. For instance, the president of the United States was impeached. Remember that?

Harry and Meghan are stepping down as senior members of the Royal Family! Do you have any idea what that means? Because I have no idea! There are senior levels of royal? I thought it just went like: King, Queen, Prince, Princess, Jack of Spades, boy wizard, Dukes of Hazard and then cartoon mouse that sews Cinderella's dress.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It's like the old saying goes: "Work with a foreign government to undermine a democratic election once, shame on you. Do it twice and we're going to inquire about the possibility of maybe doing something this time. Maybe. We'll see. Possibly. I don't know."

Uber is launching a new service that will let users find rides that allow animals. At least when you get into one of these ubers there's a reason it's covered in hair and smells disgusting.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

All [Trump] cares about is being No. 1. Our country is run by the human equivalent of one of those giant foam fingers you see at college football games.

"All is well" and "So far so good" are not statements from a president after a strike on U.S. forces. They are the messages written on candy hearts for Valentine's Day. At this point, all he's missing is "Luv u!" He's saving that one for Vladdy Putin.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced today that they don't want to be royals anymore. They are taking a "step back" from their royal duties. What does that mean, stepping back from their royal duties? They'll be waving less?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today was Nicholas Cage's 56th birthday. Directions to his party can be found on the back of the Declaration of Independence!

A man in Florida was arrested over the weekend after he allegedly bit a police dog while naked and high on crystal meth. On the plus side, as a Florida Man, he already achieved his 2020 resolution.

According to the latest numbers, former vice-president Joe Biden spent 11 days in Iowa last month. It was only supposed to be a weekend, but he got lost in a corn maze.

Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan Markle announced on Instagram this afternoon that they are stepping away from the Royal Family and moving to Canada. Or, as it was reported in British tabloids, "Meghan kidnaps Harry."

After laying off her entire campaign staff last week, wellness guru Marianne Williamson said today that she is considering ending her presidential run. She'll return to her previous job: appearing in the stars during your ayahuasca trip.

Weekend Update

The parents of a toddler in Great Britain say he's obsessed with a hairstyling mannequin head, and he carries it everywhere. It's an adorable habit that his parents will look back on wistfully when they're watching him be sentenced for multiple murders.