Late Laughs for the week of February 16 - 22

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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day! Both the president and the first lady noted the day on Twitter. She really relates to Dr. King's message, especially the part about wanting to be "free at last."


It's a pivotal day in the history of the republic -- soon we'll find out if breaking the law is illegal.


So no evidence, no witnesses, just 100 old people stuck in a room together. This isn't a trial! It's the 4 o'clock dinner rush at Denny's!


If Mitch McConnell has his way, this trial will go just like Donald Trump's dating career: quick and disappointing and no questions asked.



Sixty one percent of American women disapprove of President Trump, and the 39% who do approve of President Trump had terrible fathers.


Republicans said they're looking forward to hearing President Trump's side of the story, which I guess means they're not on Twitter.


A Little Late With Lilly Singh

Targeted advertising knows way too much about you. You'll tell a friend how much you want a pair of boots, then you'll see an ad for those boots. Which means, No. 1, our phones are listening to us. And, No. 2, they're better boyfriends than most guys.


Researchers are already saying we lived through the hottest decade on record, and it's only going to get worse because of climate change, aka (for all you Boomers and Gen X-ers out there) "global warming," aka (for all you millennials), "Yo, the polar ice caps are totally ghosting us."


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

During the trial, Trump said that he's probably still going to go to Switzerland for the World Economic Forum -- cause nothing says "I'm innocent" like flying to Switzerland the moment your trial starts.


I want to congratulate the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers for advancing to Super Bowl LIV. Fans of both teams are going crazy, while most of the country is celebrating that it's not the Patriots.


A man in New Hampshire had a $21 bar tab and left a $2,000 tip. So it's official: Mike Bloomberg will spend whatever it takes to get a vote.


A woman in the U.K. just found a message in a bottle from Canada, which means Harry and Meghan must have been cut off from their Verizon royal family plan.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

The Senate spent the entire first day hashing out the rules for the [impeachment] trial. It's an exciting day for people who are like, "You know what my favorite part of the book is? The table of contents."


Trump said it was comforting being around skiers in the Swiss Alps. Very much like his presidency, they are also going downhill fast.


A wedding in India was recently called off after the father of the bride and the mother of the groom ran off and married each other. And you thought the worst thing your dad could do at your wedding was dance!


Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to the Washington Post, since taking office, Trump has racked up more than 16,000 false or misleading claims. And that's just in public. That doesn't even include the time he told Don Jr. he loves him.


Trump's defense team isn't even denying that he did what he's accused of. They just say it doesn't rise to the level of impeachment. Which is like Jeffrey Dahmer arguing he didn't rise to the level of cannibalism.


I was up late last night watching this impeachment, and then, like two minutes after I went to bed, we had an earthquake. And then, an hour later, my daughter woke up with growing pains. And then, two hours later, she woke up again to tell us, "I feel like I'm going to throw up." Which is how I felt watching the impeachment trial. So it kind of came full circle.


[Adam Schiff] laid out a ton of evidence against the president, and he invoked the Founding Fathers and their words a lot. Schiff quoted Hamilton so many times today he was nominated for five Tony Awards.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

The New York Times yesterday endorsed both senators Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar. What?! You can't pick both! That's like endorsing Coke and Pepsi. And I think we all know which one's Pepsi.


Kim Kardashian released a trailer this weekend for her new two-hour documentary called "Kim Kardashian: The Justice Project." Not to be confused with Kanye's new two-hour documentary called "Kanye: the Kanye Kanye".


President Trump's campaign manager last night dismissed the coverage of the impeachment trial, saying, "It's like watching paint dry." You know, like you do sometimes after you cover something up.


Viking Cruise line announced that it will drop the word "cruise" from its name, so it can focus on more land offerings. "Oh, yeah, dropping cruise from your name is the best!" said Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes.