The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

At my house this year, we're going to have a California Christmas dinner: no carbs, no meat, no food ... we're just going to have a glass of water and throw up.

The Jay Leno Show

While speaking in Copenhagen on Friday, President Obama said the time for talk is over. Then he went on to give his speech.

President Obama said, "We can't continue to treat tax money like Monopoly money." Oh, really? Then how come all those guys on Wall Street got "get out of jail free" cards?!

Do you believe that huge snowstorm in D.C.? Pretty amazing! President Obama spent one day in Copenhagen and global warming is solved. Meteorologists are calling this a record blizzard, which makes sense if you think about it: Republicans always said the Senate would pass health care when hell freezes over.

It looks like Democrats have their 60 votes for health care. Harry Reid said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes.

The health care reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 per cent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of "Jersey Shore."

The Late Show: David Letterman

According to a new poll, New York City is the least happiest place to live. Well, I did my part -- today I went down to the subway, got on a train and started a sing-along. You can do your part, too, to change that statistic. When you see gang graffiti, add smiley faces; after 10 p.m. use a silencer.

Dick Cheney has been named "Conservative of the Year" by Human Events magazine. I think this is the first time "Dick Cheney" and "human" have been used in the same sentence.

The Tonight Show: Conan O'Brien

President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself "Barry from D.C." Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck's radio show as "B. Hussein from Kenya."

Former president Bush is currently working on his memoirs and he said he's completed about 85 per cent. His exact quote was "I'm halfway done." He says he will focus on the 12 major decisions he made in his life. The weird thing is 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney.

According to a recent report, due to the recession, Americans are eating cheap, unhealthy, fatty foods. Apparently, the recession started in 1957.

President Obama says that this year for Christmas his daughters want an iPod, video games and some books. But, boy, you should have seen the looks on their faces when he told them instead, they're both getting universal health care.

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

Everyone is talking about health care. President Obama is working around the clock on the bill. In fact, I heard he may even delay his end-of-the-year vacation to Hawaii just to get it done. As a result, his approval rating among Sasha and Malia is now at a record low zero per cent.

A new survey in Britain found that seven per cent of people plan on taking a sick day from work during the holiday season due to party-related hangovers. Meanwhile, the other 93 per cent will just go to work plastered.

A new poll from the Association of Train Operating Companies found that one-third of women and one-fifth of men visit their grandparents every week. Association of Train Operating Companies?... nice try, Grandma!

A new report found that people in Luxemburg consume the most alcohol in the world. The same report found that Luxemburg has the most beautiful women in the world after 10 p.m.