Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama said, "We are on the verge of guaranteeing Americans health insurance whether they lose their job, change jobs, move, or get sick." Which means Jay, Conan and I are gonna be just fine.

Four TSA workers at Los Angeles International Airport were videotaped snorting drugs. It was the first time people had ever seen lines go that fast at the airport.

The Jay Leno Show

Supposedly we're moving to 11:30, but even this isn't sure. My people are upset, Conan's people are upset ... hey, NBC said they wanted drama at 10, now they've got it, everyone's mad!

I take pride in one thing: I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it -- a complete disaster.

The White House announced that President Obama's State of the Union address scheduled for next month will not air on the same night as the premiere of "Lost" on ABC. They did that because they thought viewers might get confused; see, "Lost" is also the state of the union: lost jobs, lost wages, lost houses, lost businesses ...

According to a new report by researchers at the University of Oxford in England, having fat buttocks is actually good for you. Guys, next time your wife says, "Do these pants make me look big?" you say "Honey, they make you look healthy!"  

Passengers aboard a United flight from Chicago to Newark broke into applause and called the pilot a hero when he landed the plane after a total landing gear failure. Then, of course, came the really dangerous part: the cab ride through Newark.

The Late Show: David Letterman

You know what's going on in late-night television? Chaos and craziness and mayhem! Conan O' Brien announced that he will not follow Jay Leno at 12:05 a.m. You know what that means: I knocked off another competitor.

I got a call just before I came out here from NBC and they said, "Look, we still don't want you back."

According to the New York Times, al-Qaida is claiming responsibility for the wreckage at NBC.

Sarah Palin is going to be part of the Fox News team. Finally, her years of reading all those newspapers and magazines has paid off.

There was a naked jogger near the White House. When the Secret Service caught him, they brought him inside and sat him down next to the president at the state dinner.

Another black eye for baseball: Mark McGwire announced that he took steroids when he was on his big home-run tear. He said they really didn't help his performance -- he just took them because he enjoyed the fresh minty taste.

The Tonight Show: Conan O'Brien

Hello, my name is Conan O'Brien and I may soon be available for children's parties.  

This weekend, no one was seriously hurt, but a 6.5 earthquake hit California. The earthquake was so powerful that it knocked Jay Leno's show from 10 p.m. to 11:35.

I have been advised that until this whole thing has been sorted out, NBC lawyers have asked me to refer to this program as "The Some-Time-At-Night Show With Some White Guy."

Everybody wants to know what my plans are. All I can say is that I plan to continue putting on a great show night after night, while stealing as many office supplies as humanly possible.

I've been giving this whole situation a lot of thought. When I was a little boy, I remember watching "The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson" and thinking, "Some day, I'm going to host that show for seven months."

Live: Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin is going to be a commentator for Fox News. Well, maybe now she can afford to buy some clothes for Levi Johnston.

Palin will be a regular contributor to Fox News. She signed a three-year contract, which means she'll be there for six months.

Tiger Woods has not been seen since Thanksgiving. He's so hard to find, people are speculating that he may be working in customer service at Home Depot.

The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

An American comedy legend is calling it quits. He made us laugh for years, we followed him through his ups and downs, but he's made a decision to leave the pinnacle of American broadcasting. That's right, David Hasselhoff has quit "America's Got Talent."

There are reports that Tiger Woods has entered rehab for sex addiction. It's a standard process: 28 days, or one for every mistress.

For those of you that don't remember Tiger Woods, he's the guy we used to make fun of in the olden times before late-night TV went nuts.