Live: Jimmy Kimmel

Today is Groundhog Day, the day of the year when all the men in the world that wear top hats get together.

President Obama told a group of high school kids not to blow their college money in Las Vegas and people in Las Vegas are very upset. Without these kids' college funds, who is going to take care of the ventriloquists and the prostitutes?

The Jay Leno Show

The Obama administration has reversed itself. It is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. They're going to do an off-Broadway version first to see how people like it.

Osama bin Laden has released yet another audio-tape message. Where does he find all these audio tapes? You can't even BUY audio tapes anymore!

Britain has raised its terrorist threat level from "a bit apprehensive" to "rather concerned."

Britain and the U.S. are proposing a half-billion dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. If it works there, they're going to offer the same deal to NBA players.  

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. When the groundhog came out of his hole, he didn't even look for his shadow, he just said he was walking away from his mortgage.

Two Northwest pilots overshot Minneapolis Airport by 500 miles. They weren't in a plane, they were in a Toyota, it wouldn't stop!

The Late Show: David Letterman

President Obama got out of jury duty. No word yet about getting us out of Afghanistan, but still he got out of jury duty.

Ben Bernanke was confirmed to serve for four more years. That is, if we have an economy for four more years!

J.D. Salinger died this past week. That now makes me the most famous recluse alive.

The groundhog crawled out of his hole today and predicted six more weeks of Oscars hype. Here in New York City, no one really cares about Groundhog Day - we've got rats bigger than that.

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

I heard that John Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth, have legally separated. Under the reasons for separation, Elizabeth Edwards just wrote "See news."

The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had.

The Oscar nominations were announced today. The best-actor nominees include George Clooney for "Up in the Air," Jeremy Renner for "The Hurt Locker," and President Obama for the "State of the Union."

An eight-year-old cat in Britain just became the world's first cat to have an artificial knee replacement. Vets say the cat should be up and doing nothing in no time.

Police in Indiana are searching for a man who robbed a tobacco store with a pair of scissors. They said the guy could be a real danger, unless you have a rock.

During his town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, President Obama said that using stimulus money to help schools is "not sexy" but it's "making a difference." Oddly enough, that's the same way he describes Nancy Pelosi.

At the town hall event, President Obama also said "Jobs will be our Number 1 focus in 2010." He then added "Specifically mine and Biden's jobs."

Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update With Seth Myers

According to a new audio tape reportedly from Osama bin Laden, the Al-Qaida leader says global warming is an actual fact. To which Al Gore responded "YEAH! Wait, who said that? Damn it!"