The Colbert Report

I'm in Vancouver for the 2010 Olympic Games. They only have two weeks, how are they going to fit in 2010 games?

We're here in Canada ... or as I call it, Europe with normal toilets.

Every night I watch NBC's cover and I wonder, "they seem like good guys, I wonder if I can meet their high standards." And they watch my coverage and think, "Stephen seems nice, I wonder if we can sue him."

Then came the Parade of Nations. I believe the true athletes that night were the welcoming dancers who boogied in the background for hours in outfits almost as white as their dance moves.

It all went off without a hitch except for one massive hitch: the lighting of the Olympic torch. Evidently, one of the columns had its hydraulics freeze. On the plus side, something was frozen in Vancouver.

The Late Show: David Letterman (R)

Toyota has recalled millions of cars because when you hit the gas, the car takes off and won't stop. In New York City, those are called taxi cabs.

This year, there are 10 nominees for the Best Picture Oscar, in an effort to add some length to the show. This year the "dead actor" montage will also include those who are sick.

Live: Jimmy Kimmel

Another big storm is on the way to the East Coast. They're expecting up to 30 inches of snow in the next couple days. I'm pretty sure God is punishing us for "Jersey Shore."

Former vice-president Dick Cheney was released from the hospital after being treated for his fifth heart attack. Next one's free. Doctors gave him strict instructions not to watch "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" any more.

The Dalai Lama is now on Twitter. Today, he got to find out what Tila Tequila had for breakfast.

I have learned a lot from the Olympics. Mostly that I miss football.

Yesterday, Oprah's set was made entirely out of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high. They gave the statistics: the set took 7,000 chocolate bars and more than 400 Oompa-Loompas to put it together. Dr. Oz showed up and thought he was inside Oprah's colon.

It was a fun day for the head of Toyota USA -- James Lentz had to appear in front of Congess to be yelled at. It was actually refreshing to see a car company CEO appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.

The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

Starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways: they can't raise or increase rates whenever they want. That's great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson's bar tab.

I don't keep many credit cards because I'm worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right, like anyone would want my identity! After two days, they'd beg me to take it back.

Credit card companies make most of their profits from loaning money to people who they know can't pay it back. That's why credit card companies are evil -- they're like a cross between Satan and divorce lawyers.

About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done.

It's a great day for Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital. Doctors say he'll be up shooting lawyers in the face in no time.

There's a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China. It's like he's Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell.