The Late Show: David Letterman

A guy took a shot at the White House. They hunted him down and arrested him and they asked, "What was going on?" and he said, "Well, I thought I had a better shot at it than those Republican candidates."

You know what's in Madison Square Garden? A cat show! The cats are judged on their coat, their posture and how quickly the cat responds to the sound of a can opener. But seriously: if I want to see claws and hissing, I'll just watch "The View."

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

Rick Perry attacked President Obama for thinking that he's the smartest guy in the room. One thing's for sure: nobody's ever going to accuse Rick Perry of that.

A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama's easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a "gotcha" question. That's when you know things are bad: When you're attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media.

There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us!

The entire spring and summer line from Marc Jacobs was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris. The thief is considered armed and fabulous.

Live: Jimmy Kimmel

The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. The food industry says the new rules give schools the flexibility to increase nutrition -- the same way elastic waistbands give us the flexibility to keep in shape.

The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

President Obama quit smoking this year. It wasn't easy -- he had to ask the Republicans for permission first.

President Obama is in Australia. When he's in Australia, his approval ratings go down the toilet in a counter-clockwise motion.

Last week, President Obama was in Hawaii. Now he's in Australia. Next week, he's in Indonesia. I think he watched the Republican debates and went "This is going to be a piece of cake!" and went on vacation.

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

Happy Birthday to Vice-President Biden! When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch ... and then waited for him to leave.

A woman is suing Gary Busey over an incident in May where he drunkenly tackled her at an airport. When asked why he got drunk and tackled a stranger, Busey was, like, "You're gonna have to be more specific..."

Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order: an empty cup.

A new survey found that 33 per cent of Americans have broken up with someone using Facebook or a text message. While 33 per cent of the Kardashian sisters have broken up with someone using "TMZ."

A new study found that overweight men are more likely to have children with weight problems. Or in other words: if you get your dad's genes, you're also going to get his sweatpants.

Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice-cream flavor, he'd be Rocky Road. I don't know. Perry's not really any flavor of ice cream -- he's just the brain-freeze part.

Saturday Night Live Weekend Update: Seth Meyers

The National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute is recommending that children be tested for high cholesterol before they reach puberty. The test is simple: you just ask the child their name, and if they can't answer because their mouth is full of bacon, they have high cholesterol.

In hopes of finding a new source of revenue, North Korea this week opened its borders to limited tour groups. However, tourists cannot bring mobile devices, they must restrict their movement and have to avoid even the most casual contact with daily life. Also, you gotta be cool with getting kidnapped forever.

A man in New Hampshire was charged with reckless conduct after his gun went off while he was cleaning it and the bullet struck his wife. Whether he's convicted or not, he will be sentenced to a lifetime of being reminded about "that time you shot me!"

Police and protesters clashed after Mayor Bloomberg ordered that Zuccotti Park be cleared. And for those of you who have it TiVo'd, I won't spoil who won the fight between the guys armed with riot shields and batons and the guys armed with bongos and trail mix.