Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

A man in Illinois was arrested for calling the cops five times because his iPhone wasn't working. Yup, someone was arrested for calling someone five times in one day. Do you hear that, Mom?

Microsoft is teaming up with Yahoo and AOL to sell Internet ads. I was so excited when I heard that, I immediately called my friend who lives in the '90s.

There was another Republican debate on Saturday and Ron Paul only got 89 seconds to speak. Rick Perry gets more time than that to try to remember something!

Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman accused his Republican opponents of coming up with easy sound bites just to get applause. In response, Mitt Romney was like, "That is ridiculous ... Clap if you like bacon!"

A pilot in Russia was busted for smoking pot right before a flight. People could tell something was up when he told passengers they'd be making an emergency landing at White Castle.

More than 43,000 people signed a petition to keep Nickelback from performing at the Detroit Lions game on Thanksgiving. Yeah, the worst part is, three of those signatures are from the actual members of Nickelback.

Conan: Conan O'Brien

PETA is criticizing Nintendo's new game, Super Mario 3-D Land, because in that game, Mario wears fur. But for some reason, PETA's totally cool with Mario's lifetime abuse of turtles.

Ron Paul's campaign is upset because during last week's Republican presidential debate, he only got to speak for 89 seconds. Meanwhile, Rick Perry's campaign is upset because during last week's debate he got to speak.

Two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath and Seriously-You-Need-to-Take-a-Bath.

Police in New York are reporting that any individual who enters with a large backpack may be refused entry to Zucotti Park. In a related story, police have just arrested Dora the Explorer.

Starbucks announced plans to open a line of juice bars. They would have done this years ago, but it took them a while to figure out how to burn orange juice.

The woman who claimed that Justin Bieber was the father of her baby has dropped her suit. In other words, Justin had to find out where babies come from for nothing.

Someone shot a bullet at the White House. Secret Service immediately ruled out Jon Huntsman because that guy has no shot at the White House!

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

President Obama recently attended a college basketball game in San Diego that was aboard the USS Carl Vinson. He said it was nice to finally be standing on a ship that wasn't sinking.

Researchers from Denmark have found that male spiders trick females into mating by giving them worthless gifts -- like NBA season tickets.

NBA stands for No Basketball Anymore. The players' union has rejected the owners' latest contractual proposal, so it looks like the NBA season may be over. So we all lose. As opposed to the regular season, when just the Clippers lose.

Kentucky Fried Chicken has introduced its new Cheesy Bacon Bowl. It's fried chicken, cheese and bacon. But instead of a bucket, it's served in a coffin.

Brad Pitt has announced that he will retire from acting in three years. Even more shocking: Lindsay Lohan announced that she was still acting.

The Late Show: David Letterman

Silvio Berlusconi is stepping down as prime minister of Italy. He's being replaced by Billy Crystal.

The NBA talks have broken down. It's Day 138 of the NBA lockout. Or, as Kim Kardashian refers to it, a lifetime.

They had a midnight raid and the cops cleaned out Zucotti Park, where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So, if you're keeping score, here's what the score is now -- protestors arrested: 70, Wall Street executives arrested: 0.

The mayor said the reason people were thrown out of Zucotti Park was because the conditions were hazardous; they were dangerous and unsanitary. And I'm saying, if that's a reason to throw people out of the park, we'd all have to be thrown out of New York!