Conan: Conan O'Brien

Former vice-president Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The new heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.

President Obama is getting tough with North Korea. Over the weekend, he warned Kim Jong-un that bad behavior would not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong-un asked, "So how do you explain yet another season of 'Jersey Shore'?"

Over the weekend, a woman broke into Simon Cowell's home, and he found her in his bathroom holding a brick. Simon approached the woman cautiously and told her: "Paula, put down the brick ... "

In California, a medical marijuana delivery driver told police his pot was stolen by two ninjas. Folks, I don't have a joke for that story -- I just love California.

Newt Gingrich's campaign is charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. And for $100 you can get one without Newt.

The man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson's cellphone and posted nude photos of her has pled guilty. However, the judge has reduced the man's sentence if he solemnly swears to do it again.

In Germany, a court has ruled that German police are allowed to racially profile citizens. But don't worry, it's Germany, so things shouldn't get out of hand!

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

President Obama is currently in Korea where he visited the DMZ. To which Paris Hilton said: "Why does he need to get a Korean driver's licence?"

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.

This weekend, 71-year-old former vice-president Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice: they let him shoot the donor himself!

A new experimental cholesterol-fighting drug is now creating a huge buzz among researchers. They say this drug could be life-changing. Well, not a moment too soon, huh? I mean, for a minute there, a lot of Americans thought they might have to start eating healthy.

In New York City this week, they had the annual Greek Independence Day Parade. In fact, it was so authentically Greek that before the parade even started it was $12 million in debt.

The Late Show: David Letterman

Anybody see "The Hunger Games"? It's about a competition to get food. It's like living with Gov. Christie over in New Jersey. 

They're so excited to see the Pope in Cuba. They raised a lot of money and bought him a brand-new 1955 Chrysler. The Pope is down there in Cuba to fire up the Catholics and to scout pitchers for the Yankees.

Live: Jimmy Kimmel

Tiger Woods did something unusual this weekend: he won a golf tournament. Tiger's now a 4-to-1 favorite to win at the Masters. They say all he has to do is stay away from Ambien, Escalades and hostesses at the Waffle House.

Pope Benedict XVI spent the weekend in Mexico. He likes to spend spring break at Senor Frog's -- he's been doing it since he was in college.

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney's adviser actually compared him to an Etch-A-Sketch, and because of that, Etch-A-Sketch sales jumped 1,500 per cent. Or as Disney put it: "Any way you can compare Romney to a ticket to 'John Carter'?"

A new study found that a growing number of parents regret the name they gave their baby. They actually have a name for those parents: "celebrities."

Southwest Airlines just unveiled a new plane that can hold 175 passengers. Or as Southwest thinks of it: "a new plane that can hold 375 passengers."

A new study found that 45 per cent of adults still have sibling rivalries. Yeah, and guess what? I read that story, like, three days before my sister did.

On CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a "clown show." That's as rough as it gets on CNN! Romney, Santorum, Paul and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off.

Yesterday, President Obama said that North Korea is in a "time warp" that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation -- in a strongly worded telegraph.

A new survey found that Facebook, Google and YouTube are the most popular websites in the U.S. -- while the least popular website in the U.S. is Gingrich2012.org.

This week, a man wearing a Batman costume was pulled over while driving a Lamborghini. I think the real story here is that a grown man who owns a Batman costume can actually afford a Lamborghini.