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Late Laughs for the week of April 11 - 17, 2021

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

March Madness has begun! The tournament is here just in time for you to gamble away your entire stimulus check.

 

According to U.S. intelligence, Russia and Iran tried to interfere with the 2020 election. This is pretty rough news for Trump. It's like losing in little league and then finding out your dad bribed the ump.

 

Almost 80% of Manhattan office workers will not return to their workplace full time once their office reopens — 80% are happy that they won't return to their workplace while the other 20% are parents.

 

St. Patrick's Day during COVID is pretty strange — you have to stay six feet apart or, as Irish dads call it, hugging.

 

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Today marks the one-year anniversary of the last show we did in the Ed Sullivan Theater — or at least it would mark the one-year anniversary if I still followed the calendar of the before times. We all now live in the perpetual month of "Sweatstember."

 

Great news, Connecticut teens: you're going to prom! Bad news: moms and dads want to come, too, because we're sick of being home and we want to put on fancy clothes and have enchantment under the sea!

 

Nothing says "not a racist" more than looking at Black Lives Matter protests and counting all the white people.

 

LED dice could electrify your next "Dungeons & Dragons" campaign. Of course, the lights are a little less bright when you've been forced to swallow them and stuffed in a locker.

 

There's a new hotel in China receiving backlash because it's built around a central polar bear enclosure for the non-stop viewing pleasure of its guests. It's the perfect lodging for anyone who's thought, "I like the zoo, but I wish I could see the animals sad at night."

 

A Little Late with Lilly Singh

The reason men are angry online is because the Looney Tunes character Lola Bunny doesn't look as sexy in this version [of "Space Jam"] as she did in the original. Just because she's a bunny doesn't mean she has to be in Playboy!

 

If you really want to sexualize characters like Lola [Bunny], then we should sexualize all characters. So sexualize Bugs Bunny and then we can finally actually know "what's up, Doc."

 

Before the pandemic, Instagram Live was something we avoided with the same intensity that Mary-Kate and Ashley avoided the "Full House" reboot.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion performed "WAP" [at the Grammys], which was incredible if not a little edgy for CBS. It was so risqué CBS had to cover young Sheldon's eyes!

 

A walrus was spotted in Ireland the other day and, according to marine biologists, this is the first-ever confirmed walrus sighting in the country. "Irish walrus" sounds like a drink where, after having two, you just immediately black out.

 

North Korea made their first comments directed at the Biden administration. They warned Biden against "causing a stink." That's not how you talk to another country is it? That's how you talk to a spouse right before you go to a dinner party.

 

I already knew Putin didn't have a soul — nobody who lives their life like an Instagram influencer does.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The thing about daylight savings time is it's terrible! Even when you get an extra hour to sleep, the whole hour I spend resetting clocks.

 

Even when there is enough vaccine, the worry is that not enough people will want it. Forty-nine percent of Republican men say they will not get the vaccine. Suddenly, they're against bearing their arms.

 

People keep saying they're over the pandemic … it's a virus, it's not "Words with Friends." You can't just be "over it."

 

After a long period of silence, Kim Jong Un's sister, Kourtney Jong Un, lashed out. It's rare that a dictator's sibling speaks out. I don't remember reading about any stern warnings from Lois Hitler.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

I don't really know if a bill giving out $1,400 to people really needs promotion. You don't need to promote something everyone already loves. It's why you never see commercials for Sriracha.

 

According to new CDC data, women are expected to outlive men by five years nationwide. Said men: "Weird. Who bets I can't lick this ceiling fan?!"

 

The New York Post published an article titled "In the age of sexual harassment claims, is the office romance dead?" You know, when you ask a question like that, you're kind of telling on yourself. That's like saying, "Since murder is illegal, can I assume you don't want to go out on my boat?"

 

According to new research, dogs can detect coronavirus with up to 94% accuracy. Cats, too, they just won't tell you.