The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson

Backstage we have a suggestion box and employees are encouraged to anonymously write down any way they feel we could improve the show. And I have a secret webcam watching the suggestion box so I know who to fire, and that makes me happy.

There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work, from friends, family and YouTube videos of old people falling down.

Conan: Conan O'Brien

A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was conducted not at the DMV.

A couple in England has paid thousands of dollars to get their dog a facelift. Apparently, the dog was so ugly, other dogs were sniffing his face. 

The U.S. beat Italy in soccer for the first time ever. America hasn't embarrassed Italy this badly since the first Olive Garden opened.

Rick Santorum took a swipe at Mitt Romney, saying money isn't going to buy this election. Two hours later, Mitt Romney bought Rick Santorum.

The Tonight Show: Jay Leno

It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and a politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you!

In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense -- he's created a lot of jobs in India.

In a recent interview, President Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn't want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. However, he is hoping people will give him a mulligan in November.

In New Jersey, an assemblyman has now proposed a bill that will require all babies and parents to take a DNA paternity test at birth. You've heard of Megan's Law? This is Maury's Law: You ARE the father!

Ikea has just unveiled its first-ever Ikea house. It's an entire house you buy from Ikea that costs $86,000, comes with 1,000 square feet and takes 39 years to put together with that little Allen wrench.

While visiting a GM plant, President Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today, Mitt Romney said, "Make it one year, and I'll buy it for you."

The Late Show: David Letterman

On this day in 1933, the motion picture "King Kong" premiered. And then there were sequels. One was about King Kong's son, King W. Kong.

Live: Jimmy Kimmel

Justin Bieber turned 18 years old, which means he's now officially too old to listen to his own music.

Late Night: Jimmy Fallon

I read that Kim Kardashian is being sued for $5 million for endorsing a diet pill that doesn't work. That's weird -- if there's anyone who's perfect to represent "not working," it's Kim Kardashian.

A company in Connecticut is now selling a Mitt Romney action figure. Yeah, it'll actually bend to whatever position you want -- just like the real Mitt Romney!

Police officers across the country say that because of the economy, more thieves are stealing gas from parked cars. Yeah, victims said they hadn't felt that robbed since they put the gas into their car.

North Korea has officially agreed to suspend its nuclear program. Apparently, they watched one episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" and realized we're destroying our own society.

A 95-year-old woman married a 98-year-old man to become the world's oldest newlyweds. They're registered at Bed, Sponge Bath and Beyond.

Saturday Night Live Weekend Update: Seth Meyers

The Slovak Republic has set up an online contest to allow the public to name a bridge, and the name currently in first place is Chuck Norris. Guys, you can't name a bridge after Chuck Norris, because nobody crosses Chuck Norris.

While campaigning at the Daytona 500, Mitt Romney may have hurt his image when he said that he doesn't "closely" follow the race but he does have friends who are "NASCAR team owners." It also didn't help that he kept referring to the drivers as "chauffeurs."

"High Times" magazine named Seth Rogen its Stoner of the Year for the second time. Or, as Rogen thinks of it, the first time.

Hallmark this week announced that it will soon release a line of Justin Bieber greeting cards. It's the perfect way to show your daughter that you know exactly one thing about her.